


17 Hard Things You Have to Do to Be a Great Leader

by Emerald_Leaves



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Coming of Age, Family Feels, Gen, Growing Pains, Growing Up, Leo-centric - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-01 16:16:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6527140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emerald_Leaves/pseuds/Emerald_Leaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one said being a great leader was going to be easy, and Leonardo must learn that the hard way. Leo-centric. Series of shorts following Leo's struggle to fall into the role of leader.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Earlier

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little something I thought about while in a meeting the other day and given a list of things to be a good leader.

_~You have to get up earlier than you want to~_

The buzzing of the alarm clock pierced through perfect dreams, forcing blue eyes to peel open. It was impossible to ignore the alarm. It had been attempted in the past with failed results. The sound was just too annoyingly shrill and _loud_. The perfect tone to ensure that the sleeper would wake and _stay_ awake as soon as they heard it.

Rolling over on his side, eyes still red and blurry, Leonardo stared expressionlessly at the flashing red numbers. Five o’clock. It was five o’clock in the morning. He’d honestly been hoping he would be use to waking up so early after all this time, and in part he was. But there was still the very great pull on his mind and body to seek more rest. He’d gone to bed too late again last night, unable to stop his mind from racing, and now he was getting up too early.

Sighing, the blue eyed terrapin sat up and turned off the alarm clock. He reveled in the silence, and it was tempting to just lay back down and fall asleep. But he never could. Not even on the rare occasions that he’d try. It was five o’clock in the morning and he had to get ready for the day.

Standing up, stretching sore muscles, Leo set to work making his bed. It was the first thing he did every morning ritualistically. He did it even before putting on his own mask. Because if he didn’t do it now, he never would. His entire routine would be shattered and his day just wouldn’t be right.

Once that first task was accomplished, he grabbed his mask and gear and headed out the door towards the bathroom. After taking care of his business and dressing, he went down to the kitchen. He boiled water for tea and quickly made himself a small pot. Taking it into the dojo, Leo set it aside to cool before grabbing his katana. A quick kata before meditation. It would wake him up a little more before he allowed his mind to wander across the spiritual plane.

By five forty-five he was finished and sat down under the tree for meditation with his tea. As he lit the candles in front of him, he couldn’t help but delight in the silence. Master Splinter was usually awake at this time, but stayed in his room to meditate privately. The ninjitsu master would no doubt immerge in another fifteen minutes or so. It meant that Leo would have to sink into a deep enough trance before his master’s sounds would become distracting.

Closing his eyes, focusing on the energy around him, Leo allowed his mind to slip away from his body and to connect with the universe. It was a pleasant feeling, something he adored now that he could actually accomplish it without falling asleep or losing focus. He didn’t know what he would do if he didn’t get his meditation in the morning.

 _Probably snap and kill Raph_ , he mused, not sure himself if he was being sarcastic or not.

At six-thirty he came out of his trance feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. The smell from the kitchen told him that his brothers were waking up and Mikey was cooking breakfast. Smiling to himself, Leo sipped at his tea for a few minutes, content with the sounds of the early morning, before extinguishing the candles and putting everything back in its place.

As he was leaving, he grabbed his tea and went into the kitchen to find his brothers all there. Raph was snapping something at Mikey, who was laughing as he cooked, while Donnie sat comatose in his chair sipping at a mug of coffee with his eyes closed and mask askew. Master Splinter was even there, sitting at the head of the table with his own tea, quietly watching the interaction between his children. It was the perfect picture of the Hamato family.

Smiling, Leo took his seat offering ‘good mornings’ to the rest of the family. Donnie and Raph ignored him – or rather, Donnie probably didn’t even comprehend yet that there was anything in the world other than coffee – while Mikey smiled back. Master Splinter was the only one to echo his oldest’s sentiment.

“So I was thinking,” Leo turned to their father as Raph and Mikey continued to bicker. “Maybe today we could try a new training exercise? I thought about it last night before bed.” He’d planned it all out in his head and had finalized the details that morning while getting ready.

Sensei looked intrigued, which brightened Leo’s mood considerably. After discussing the specifics, breakfast was served. The family ate together before entering the dojo.

With his muscles already warmed up, Leo was allowed to explain his new exercise, listening only to a few still sleepy grumbles before they began. The plan worked relatively well. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but it was still early enough in the morning that his brothers were cranky and less focused. With Leo acting as the instructor for the day, Master Splinter excused himself to go on a scavenge run.

“Damn, Leo,” Raph complained about fifteen minutes into the exercise. “Ease up, will ya?”

“Yeah, dude, this is impossible!” Mikey whined.

“No it’s not,” the older turtle snapped, getting frustrated with his team’s half-assed efforts. “You just need to wake up more and actually _focus_.”

“Well _excuse_ us,” Donnie growled, still not awake enough to be civil. He apparently hadn’t gotten enough coffee. “Not all of us can be morning people.”

The blue banded ninja frowned, feeling his eye start to twitch. A part of him wanted to rant and lecture his brothers, to inform them that he was, in fact, _not_ a morning person, that he would much rather sleep in every day like they did. He wanted to tell them off for assuming that he liked being the first one up and how he would much rather not have to set up the dojo each morning and plan for their lessons.

But as it was, he didn’t say anything. Not only wouldn’t they believe him, they would more than likely make fun of him, call him a whiner. So instead, he swallowed his resentment and focused back on the task at hand. Ordering them to try again, suffering through the glares and protests and threats – the latter mostly coming from Raph – Leo oversaw that their exercise was complete. Once it hit eight-thirty, they were all released for the morning.

None of them loitered in the dojo after even as Leo stayed behind to clean up before deciding to practice a little bit more on his own. Things hadn’t gone well this morning. The new exercise he’d been so excited about trying with them falling almost completely flat. Frowning as he allowed his body to move on automatic through a kata, he decided that he’d just have to try again. Tomorrow was a new day, after all, and he was determined to be better prepared.

He’d just have to get up a little earlier…


	2. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo reflects on the importance of making mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: Please keep in mind that these stories are all from Leo's POV, aka, a self-conscious teenager.

_~You have to make mistakes and look like an idiot~_

It had been _days_ since the incident, and _still_ his brothers were laughing at him.

_Still!_

Trying not to let the embarrassing incident surface now that he was attempting to meditate, Leonardo found that it was harder than he’d imagined. Every time he closed his eyes he saw himself falling. One minute he was lecturing his brothers about being quiet, the next he was falling off rooftops, through greenhouses, and down fire escapes until he landed in a dumpster. It had been incredibly painful and had honestly knocked his shell loose a bit, but Leo hadn’t gone to Donnie for help. Not after how his brothers had howled with laughter afterwards. How they pointed and cackled and smirked and constantly reminded him of his mistake now that Dexter Stockboy had been taken care of.

_“Hey look everyone, I’m Leo!”_ – and then one of them would proceed to reenact the most graceless fall in the history of the Earth. Probably the whole universe.

But what made it even worse was the fact that after the fall, after everything, were Leo’s injuries he’d played down. He was still in pain, still had bruises and scrapes, and his shell _still_ didn’t feel right. Just the other day he’d been walking through the lair when a sudden stab of pain hit, his shell feeling as though it were moving. The sudden, unexpected sensation caused him to stagger, his steps faltering. Of course Raph had seen it and immediately burst out laughing, taunting him about another fall.

It wasn’t that Leo was super sensitive about getting teased! – okay, so maybe it was his least favorite thing in the world, and he hated it with every fiber of his being, and he would rather slit his own throat than be laughed at or mocked or teases or jeered or…or… Okay. So maybe Leo was a little sensitive. But being the oldest and a perfectionist didn’t help matters any. All his life he’d been the one his brothers had looked to – whether they consciously knew it or not – and he’d been trying so hard all his life to be perfect, to never make a mistake. So when he _did_ make one, and when his brothers were all too willing to throw it back in his face…

Yeah, okay, he was upset.

Sighing, giving up his meditation, the blue-eyed terrapin sat back on his hands, staring up at the leaves on the tree, wondering how he could just make the humiliation go away. He was _desperate_ to be a worthy leader, and so far he hadn’t been doing a very good job. One brother resented him, the other largely ignored him, and the youngest no longer wanted to be around him. The only time the three younger turtles seemed to want to have anything to do with Leo, the only time they collectively came together to be with him, was to watch and listen as he made a fool of himself. When out on the field or in the dojo they didn’t listen to him, they didn’t follow his orders or follow his lead, and they didn’t take him at all seriously anymore.

He had failed.

It was that simple. The _one_ thing Leo had wanted to do better than anything else he ever had in his life, and he’d failed at it. Maybe Master Splinter was wrong about him. Maybe he just didn’t have what it took to make a good leader. After all, so far his leading his brothers had only amounted to more arguments and resentment than anything else. And now, like circling vultures, the younger ninja waited, waited for him to mess up, to humiliate himself so that they could knock him down further. Rub salt in the wounds.

Bitterness settled heavily in Leonardo’s chest.

Getting up from his position under the tree, the young turtle decided to just give up. He was too upset to meditate and his day was going to be ruined one way or the other. So he went to the kitchen to get more tea. Might as well sulk a bit, really get in to it.

Shuffling to the kitchen, Leo was bit surprised to find Mikey already there making breakfast. The older brother was all set to ignore the youngest, to go about his plan to sulk to his heart’s content, when he was struck by the quietness of the room. This…wasn’t normal. Normally Mikey would be all over the place, humming or singing off key or…or… _something_.

The older brother was instantly worried. Something was definitely up. And without realizing what he was doing, Leo was walking faster into the kitchen, mind focused solely on his little brother. All thought of brooding forgotten.

“Mikey?”

The lighter turtle jumped before spinning around to stare at his brother with wide eyes. “Geez, Leo! You scared me! No need to get all ninja in the kitchen!”

“Sorry,” the taller turtle offered a small smile as he sat at the table. “So…what are you doing up this early? It’s not even six.”

“Oh. Hehe, yeah,” Mikey rubbed the back of his head, before sighing. Without any further need of prompting, the orange banded turtle sat down at the table beside his older brother. “Leo?”

Becoming more worried than he had before, the older brother nodded. “Yeah, Mikey?”

“Am…am I a good ninja?”

Surprised by the question, a surge of big brother protectiveness lit up through the leader’s veins. Without hesitation he placed a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Of course you are, Mikey. Why would you even ask that?”

“Because!” the youngest whined sadly. “Every time we go out I’m _always_ the one that gets chased or trapped or hurt or…or… _something_!”

“We’ve all had our troubles, Mikey,” Leo replied patiently. “We’ve all had our fair share of accidents.”

“Not you!” Mikey denied, shaking his head. “You’re always so perfect and awesome! I mean, even Raph’s gotten into more trouble than you. You make it look so easy, and you’re always the best in the dojo, and you always figure out a way to get out of trouble. You’re so awesome and _never_ make mistakes!”

The younger turtle looked so sad and distressed that there was nothing Leonardo wanted more badly at the moment than to make Mikey feel better. Reciting empty words about how Mikey was ‘just as good’ as Leo was obviously a lie. He knew he was better than his younger brother…at least, in the traditional sense, and really only because he was more focused than his younger brother. But telling Mikey to just ‘try harder’ wasn’t an option either. It would only make him feel worse.

Then suddenly, _epiphany_!

“I’m _not_ perfect, Mikey,” the oldest sighed.

“Yes you are, Leo!” the younger turtle whined. “You’re _always_ so –!”

“I fell off a roof, Mikey,” Leo deadpanned. Mikey’s wide eyes blinked owlishly at him. “And I trashed a greenhouse. And then I fell down a fire escape into a dumpster.”

And just like that Mikey was laughing, his normal brilliant smile stretching across his beak as he voiced his mirth. The tension in Leo’s shoulder surprisingly melted away at seeing his baby brother once again happy. There was still a part of him, that nasty, spoiled, bratty pride of his childhood that shuttered and groaned and wanted to disappear through the floor and die, but seeing the good that came from his humiliation…

Unexpectedly Leo’s morning got a whole lot better. Suddenly, having had that accident didn’t feel so embarrassing anymore… Okay, it totally still was, but if it helped his little brother out like this, if it helped his other brothers out in some way, gave them even a little bit more confidence in themselves, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe it had actually been a good thing?

Once the younger turtle calmed, Leo good naturedly shoved his brother’s beaming face away, smiling wryly. “What’re _you_ laughing at, klutz?”

Mikey kept giggling before surprising Leo by launching himself into his older brother’s arms. It was only well honed reflexes that save him from toppling over in the chair with his brother on top of him. When they were balanced and the shock had worn off, the usually reserved turtle found himself hugging back. While he didn’t like to admit it, he’d needed the hug just as much as Mikey, only he’d been too full of himself to notice.

“Thanks, Chumpy,” the smaller terrapin muttered into his brother’s neck, causing Leo’s face to soften further. “Now!” Mikey jumped up, the fluffy moment completely forgotten already. He would never notice how he’d just affected his older brother. “I was thinking pancakes!”

Okay.

Maybe the infamous falling-down-from-every-flat-surface-imaginable stunt hadn’t been such a bad thing. Smiling to himself, Leo stood and went to pour himself another cup of tea. “Whatever you want, Mikey. If you need me, I’ll be in the dojo meditating.”

The youngest gave him a thumbs up before turning back to his cooking. And so with a smile on his beak, the leader in blue went back into the dojo and found his center a lot easier than he had in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: There is NO WAY the other brothers let Leo forget about that fall in season one. NO. WAY. It was too amazingly hilarious. I refuse to believe that the others simply let that go. XD Poor Leo~


	3. Lead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being ignored doesn't mean you can stop being leader.

_~You have to lead when no one else is following you yet~_

This…was a disaster.

“Why don’t you _ever_ listen!” Leo snarled as he weaved through the mass of Kraang droids that were attempting to shoot and cut them down.

He didn’t really get an answer from his hotheaded brother, more of a growl. But it hardly matter. Right now they were in a tight crunch and needed all of their wits in order to escape.

There were some days Leo just really hated having three little brothers. It was bad enough having Raph, who seemed to make it his life’s ambition to not follow any orders, but then the hothead could whip Donnie and Mikey into a frenzy of disobedience as well. And when all three of them ganged up on him, it was Leo’s own special kind of hell.

“Come on! Over here!” Leo called to his siblings, finding a hole in the Kraang circle. They had one chance at this if only they moved _now_.

He ran towards the opening and almost made it out when he turned and noticed that his brothers weren’t following. Instead they were all doing their own thing – Donnie attempting to hack the computer system of the Kraang lab they were currently fighting in, Raph trying to take on the whole group by himself, while Mikey was just running around screaming. “Guys!” Leo struggled to call over the chaos. “GUYS!”

They didn’t so much as turn their heads.

“Ugh!”

Assessing the situation as best as he could, Leo quickly came up with a plan. Charging forward, the eldest was quick to zigzag out of the way of the Kraang droids before slicing them through with his katana. He did this until they caught on to the trick before changing course over to Mikey. Apparently seeing his elder brother back in the fight, coming for him, was enough to ground the hyper ninja, and gave him something to latch on to.

With Mikey now fighting beside him, Leo turned and ran towards their struggling brother in red. Mikey served as backup, and together they reached Raph just before a droid managed to shoot a hole through that thick skull of his. The hothead looked up in surprise, only to meet his older brother’s eye. Leo narrowed his eyes, nodding, before turning and running towards their genius brother.

Without ceremony, grabbing the purple banded turtle by the edge of his shell and pulling _hard_ , Leo pushed the genius away from the computer terminal and towards the exit. When he had gathered all his younger siblings, the leader rushed off towards the only escape route he could see, herding his brothers on like a mother hen with her brood.

Jumping in front of the Kraang droids that stood in their way, Leo sliced through them. With only a jerk of his head, he signaled his brothers to go through. Mikey was first, pulling Donnie along with him, while Raph helped back them up. Once the younger turtles were clear, the red banded ninja went through the opening.

Glancing back, trying to ensure the others were safe, the leader threw several _shuriken_ at the computer terminal. It didn’t take long for some of the circuits Donnie had been messing with to spark and catch fire. Sprinting as fast as he could away, the turtle was just able to get clear of the building before it exploded.

The shockwave from the blast sent the blue banded ninja flying through the air, the heat of the fire singeing his skin. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to land well, Leo tucked into himself, preparing for the brutal impact. Besides scrapes and bruises, he was pretty sure he would sprain something, if not outright break it.

But as he closed his eyes, bracing himself, Leo was surprised when the fall never came. Instead the air was knocked out of him not from cement, but from something pliable, something that gave. Several grunts were heard, and when Leo snapped open his eyes, he saw himself hovering above the ground by mere inches.

“Shell, Leo. Ya could stand to lose some weight.”

Glancing up Leo found himself in the arms of Raph and Donnie, with Mikey laughing in the background. Sighing with relief, the eldest gave a slight smile before struggling to stand out of the cradle of arms. His brothers helped him, glad to be free of his weight, before they all turned around towards the destruction. The building was completely consumed in flame, and already they could hear sirens in the distance, the fire department well on its way.

With none of the Kraang seeming to have made it out of the blaze to attack them, the leader turned towards his team. “Let’s go home, guys,” he nodded towards the nearest manhole cover.

For once there was no grumbling, not even from Raph, and together the brothers slinked back into the underground before being spotted by any humans.

In silence, the eldest brother led the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for the kudos and comments! :)


	4. Unreasonable Deadlines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A five day training run for Sensei equals a five day hell trial for Leo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The struggle to wrangle in the brothers continues...Poor Leo.

_~You have to meet deadlines that are unreasonable and deliver results that are unparalleled~_

This was… _impossible_.

How on _earth_ was he supposed to get his brothers to do this? Leonardo stared up at his sensei, eyes wide, and was sure he looked like a child just told there was no such thing as Santa Claus. Or a plain and utter fool. Either way, the impression to his master was one of complete incompetence, he was sure.

“I-I’m sorry, Sensei, but… _what_?”

“You heard me, Leonardo,” the rat mutant replied patiently, before turning, walking towards the family alter. “You and your brothers have been relying too much on technology and have become distracted with life above. I want you to take your brothers on a five day training run through the sewers.”

‘Training run’ was an interesting way of saying ‘hell trial,’ Leo mused, but didn’t dare speak out loud. His brothers resented his authority enough as it was and always taunted him whenever he attempted to lead any sort of training session. How did Splinter expect for him to lead his brothers out on a _five day_ training run by himself?!

It was tempting to ask Sensei to reconsider, or at least ask that he come with them. That at least would ensure it would be easier to control the other three turtles. But one sharp look from the rat had Leonardo snapping his mouth closed. “Unless you do not believe you can handle this?”

Nausea seeped into Leo’s stomach and he felt his face burn. The question was a hard slap to the face, a clear doubt of his leadership skills. Was Sensei already regretting making him the leader? Did he already believe that he had chosen poorly? Raph always complained loud enough for everyone, but on occasion Donnie and Mikey called Leo’s authority into question, too. Perhaps Splinter was really taking into consideration all of his brothers’ complaints. Maybe this was a test, a test to reevaluate and reconsider Leonardo’s worthiness to lead the team?

“When should we leave?” Leo forced himself to remain calm, to allow a stern yet respectful mask to cover all his insecurities and fears.

If this was a test, he was determined not the fail.

Cool brown eyes regarded the young ninja before seeming to come to some sort of conclusion that the teen was sure he’d never know. “In the morning.”

**oOoOoOo**

“Well, this is just _peachy_ ,” Raphael groused, glaring daggers at the back of Leo’s head. The older turtle didn’t have to turn around to know his immediate younger brother was attempting to burn a hole through his skull to melt his brain with only his eyes. He could _feel_ it.

Ignoring the comment, along with all of Mikey’s whining and Donnie’s grumpy mutters, Leo pushed his team on. Their training mission was something that Sensei had apparently set up over the course of several years. Not only were they forced to outwit little traps and practice their fighting forms, they were also _supposed_ to be coming together to work as one solid unit. Without any tech. save the T-phone Leo was in charge of for emergencies only, they had nothing but their gear and weapons. And each other.

It was hell on earth.

The part of the sewers they were currently hiking through had started to collapse and was by far the worst smelling section of the entire city – which really told you something. They didn’t have any blankets or things of comfort. They were expected to scavenge for food, only allowed to bring water with them. It was strictly forbidden to break surface despite none of them having eaten in the last day and a half. To go topside would not only break the rules, it would signal failure, only ensure that they would have to do this sort of thing _again_.

“Come on, guys,” Leo encouraged, trying to keep their spirits up since Mikey had long ago given up that chore. “I think I hear some running water up ahead.”

“Great!” Raph chirped in mock-excitement. “I can’t _wait_ to see _another_ river of human shit!”

Turning to face forward so his brothers wouldn’t see his scowl, Leo once more attempted to ignore his hotheaded brother as he pushed his team on. They were on day four. They had the rest of the day and tomorrow to go before they would be allowed to find their way home.

Thus far things hadn’t gone too badly. The traps Splinter had set up around the crumbling tunnels had actually been pretty frightening at times. Once Donnie had almost been caught in an avalanche of concrete and brick. Thankfully Mikey had been able to swing in and catch the genius from falling through the collapsing tunnel at the last second before being buried alive or worse.

“Dude!” Mikey moaned, his voice overdramatic and pretty annoying. There really was only so much Mikey a person could consistently tolerate without going insane. “I’m _sooooooo_ hungry! Can’t we just –?”

“No,” Leo snapped, shutting down yet another round of ‘why can’t we just scurry up out of the manhole for a minute?’ argument that had been steadily increasing throughout the last couple days.

“But I’m _starving_!” the youngest complained. “And we’re all alone out here! Master Splinter wouldn’t know what we did!”

“No,” the leader held firm.

“Come on, Leo,” Donnie growled, his own hunger making the usually amiable turtle a virtual monster. “The only way Splinter would know if we left the sewers is if he installed cameras all around the tunnels. And we all know how bad he is with anything technology related that’s not the remote.”

“Yeah, unless _someone_ would tell him,” Raph accused, glaring daggers at Leo.

With his eye starting to twitch, the oldest turtle turned and glared at his younger siblings. Why couldn’t they see that he was only following orders? Why couldn’t they just accept what Master Splinter had said? “Yes, I would tell Sensei if any of you went topside,” he snapped back, feeling his temper spark. “So don’t even _think_ about it! No more talking about cheating. Come on.”

A chorus of whines and curses followed after him, but the young leader attempted to tune it out. When he’d first become leader he might have tried to bargain with his brothers, even given in to their demands as he hated being seen as the bad guy. But he’d swiftly come to learn that that was a sign of a weak leader. How could he expect to lead if he allowed is own team to walk all over him? While still a little hurt at his brothers’ anger towards him, Leo had learned to better stand up for himself and stand behind the orders he gave.

No second guessing.

No doubting.

No one was bailing on this assignment, even if he had to stay up all night to make sure none of them ran off.

When they came to the source of the water, all the turtles were surprised to find that the water was actually clear, having been caught in an old tank and purified due to an old filtration system that seemed to still be working. Off to the side was a slightly collapsed wall, dirt from the surface having spilled down, leaving the area moist and damp. But looking out over the walls and even at the dirt, Leo could have cried in relief.

_Food!_

Smiling, he rushed forward after scanning the area and immediately began scrapping off algae from the side of the walls near the water. “Someone go dig for worms,” he ordered, collecting as much algae as he could.

He’d only been scrapping a minute or so before he turned, not hearing his brothers’ movements. When he looked back he saw all three – even Michelangelo! – glaring at him, Donnie and Raph with looks of disgust on their faces. “What?” Leo sighed, wondering what he’d done wrong this time.

“I’m _not_ eatin’ that,” Raph snapped.

Confused, Leo frowned. “You’re not eating what?”

“Fuckin’ algae and worms!” the red banded turtle exclaimed. “No way in hell, man!”

“Why not?” the leader felt his eye give another twitch. “This used to be basically all we ever ate besides the occasional rotten lettuce head or vegetables Sensei would scavenge for us.”

“Yeah, but why eat this when there’s _real_ food just on the other side of a manhole cover?” Donnie grimaced as he stared at the algae in Leo’s hands.

“Just lemme go for five minutes, bro!” Mikey begged. “I’ll grab us a pizza and –”

“NO!”

It was finally too much. Snarling, getting right up into his younger brothers personal spaces, Leo glared down furiously at the other three turtles. He wasn’t sure he’d ever quite been so angry in his life. “No one is going to the surface!” he screamed in their faces. “No one is abandoning this mission! Everyone _will_ be eating algae and worms and you’ll _LIKE IT!!_ ”

By the time he was through with his tirade of pent up anger, he was huffing for breath, feeling like the vein in his neck was going to explode. For their parts, the younger ninja were staring at their older brother in absolute shock. It was rare for Leo to blow up like this, even with Raphael. Usually it was Leo who remained calmest, who – if anything – became cold when angry. So with him screaming and raging and acting …well…Raph-like, the other turtles found themselves quiet and listening.

Slowly, very slowly, the other three began to move. Raph and Mikey went to the dirt and began digging while Donnie carefully inched past Leo to fish algae from off the top of the water.

No one said a word.

Seeing his brothers preform the tasks that he had commanded helped soothe the leader’s fury, enough that he could calm himself back down. And without a word, he went to join Donnie in collecting more algae.

Afterwards the brothers ate together and the rest of the evening was spent without a sound. Not even Mikey opened his mouth. Instead the four brothers rested in a strained silence. Leo stayed awake watching over his sleeping brothers as he usually did before exhaustion overcame him.

All he could think about was how horrible of a leader he really was.

**oOoOoOo**

When the turtles returned home they were dirty, hungry, tired, and above all, _cranky_. The younger ninja had not fought against Leo that last day and had actually listened to him when he gave them orders or training exercises to perform. And when they returned, the brothers were all relatively quiet.

Sensei was there to greet them and watched his sons avidly. Leo, too, watched his brothers, trying desperately to ignore their glares and muttered curses as they each walked past him to shower or get something to eat. When they had all gone their separate ways, Splinter nodded his head to Leo, expecting the leader to follow so that he could debrief.

Exhausted, wanting nothing more than to take a hot shower and get a bite of eat before flopping down on his bed to _never_ get up again, Leo bit back a sigh and trailed after his master to the dojo. Giving a totally honest – if concise – description of everything that had transpired, Leo waited for his father to speak, shoulders tense. This was the part where Sensei would rebuke him, tell him how horrible of a leader he was.

Five days. Leo hadn’t even been able to control his brothers for _five days_! How much of a failure was he?

“I am impressed, Leonardo,” Splinter’s words stalled the turtle’s self-loathing thoughts.

“Wh-what?” he stammered before he could think better of it, head snapping up.

The rat mutant gave him a patient smile. “You kept all of your brothers safe through the tunnels, you found them food they could eat and even clean water. You completed all of the training exercises I required and you even kept them from falling into the temptation of going to the surface. You kept them from taking the easy way out. I admit I was expecting one of them to have snuck off.”

Stunned, once more certain he looked like an utter fool as he stared up at his sensei, Leo found himself blinking stupidly. His face heated slightly at the compliment and praise, not sure how to respond to such positivity after five torturous days of complaints and threats.

But either unaware of his son’s surprise or simply ignoring it, Splinter carefully lifted the tea pot he’d set out and poured Leonardo a cup, a slight smirk on his face. “Drink,” he ordered gently, causing Leo’s hands to fumble in his haste to obey. “Once you have cleaned up and eaten, I believe you should meditate on your mission. Reflect on all that has happened.”

“ _Hai_ , Sensei,” Leonardo agreed quickly before taking a sip of tea. The blessedly warm drink tasted heavenly after days of algae and worms and rotten foods they’d found in the tunnels. Closing his eyes, savoring the flavor, Leo couldn’t help the small contented smile that slowly slipped on to his beak.

Sure, the mission hadn’t gone smoothly or how he would have liked, his brothers were upset with him for not allowing them to break the rules, but in the end, their honor was still intact and their father was pleased. They had succeeded. It hadn’t occurred to Leonardo in his own despair during the mission, but he _had_ kept his brothers together. He _had_ kept them safe. He’d done what was best for them whether they had liked it or not.

And really, that was enough for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see this as a 'warm-up' to the "Vision Quest", Splinter already trying to prepare his sons for the future. Thankfully it all goes better for the guys in Season 3 than here. :P


	5. Give More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giving one hundred and ten percent may be difficult, but it's not impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Brother fluff la-la~

_~You have to give more than you get in return right away~_

‘Giving one hundred and ten percent’ was a term that Leonardo found he hated after a time. Sure, it sounded like a sentiment he could totally get behind, and when he was younger he had liked it. It embodied the spirit of hard work and dedication along with the hope and positivity of believing in yourself to do better than best. But at the tender age of fifteen, Leonardo found himself becoming increasingly bitter.

And having three younger brothers mock and scorn any optimistic message he tried to pass on didn’t help.

No, ‘giving one hundred and ten percent’ was something he’d abandoned some time ago when out with his brothers. He was lucky if he could get a fifty percent from them on any given night. Not because his brother were not talented ninja or couldn’t hold their own, it was just…It was hard to admit, but it was just that they didn’t respect him, and that led to them never listening to what he said, never listening to his orders. And when they didn’t listen to his orders, things fell apart. Efficiency waned. Plans shattered.

‘One hundred and ten percent’ was _impossible_ to achieve when Leo was the only one that believed they could do it. The only one that wanted to _try_. It was hard to stay positive when any hopeful speech he made was met with rancorous laughter and scorn.

Patrolling with his brothers one night, Leo was tired. Not physically, but mentally. After a rough week of training his brothers, Sensei allowing him free reign without interference, he just didn’t feel like getting laughed at or ridiculed anymore. So he backed off. He let them do what they wanted. He was sick of them always making fun of him, tired of their negativity and disrespect. Tonight he’d let them run around as they wished, because he was simply tired of wasting his time on them.

It was hard, it really was, to lead three teenage boys, worse yet, them being your brothers. Had Leo been granted the title of leader when they were younger, perhaps then he wouldn’t be having such a rough time in keeping them in line now. By now they would have all adjusted to the idea of following him. But as it was, Raph still resented him, Donnie was still skeptical, and Mikey… well, Mikey was fairly indifferent, lost in his own little world, although probably sometimes annoyed that his eldest brother believed he had any kind of authority over him.

Leo spent so much time trying to round up his unruly brothers, to keep them in line, to look after them while not only out on patrol, but at home as well, that he was left exhausted. He poured everything he had into keeping them safe, in making sure they were well, that they were trained and prepared for everything they might face while on the surface. But nothing he seemed to do made any difference to them. They didn’t seem to notice all the time he spent in preparation _for them_.

But now he was tired of pouring all his energy into them. He was done ‘giving one hundred and ten percent.’ It was never noticed or appreciated, so why bother? His brothers still resented him, still gave him a hard time. _Why bother_??

The leader was just about to suggest they call it a night when out of nowhere, _shuriken_ came flying at them. It was only due to years of training and honed reflexes that had Leo drawing his swords and blocking the deadly throwing stars that came his way. But before he could do anything else, several Foot soldiers attacked, ganging up on him in a matter of seconds.

There was no time to call out to his brothers, no time to make plans. Suddenly plunged into a life or death situation, the turtle was forced to focus his full attention on protecting himself. But it was hard. So very hard when he’d been taken by surprise, when there was no plan or course of action his brothers could follow, and he could no longer see the younger turtles. Worry instantly implanted itself in his brain, and the teen was having trouble getting it out so he could concentrate.

_Come on, Leo! Get ahold of yourself!_

The moment of inattention was costly. Before the blue eyed turtle could regain complete control over himself, a lucky shot from one of the other ninja caught him in the arm. Stunned by the pain, Leo wasn’t fast enough to block the kick that caught him in the middle. In dismay, he felt himself flying backwards. Off the side of the building.

The last thing he saw before he hit was his brothers’ horrified faces, hearing the ardent cry from his immediate younger brother. “LEO!”

Dumb luck though it was, the kick was hard enough that it sent the turtle crashing onto the next rooftop only a story or so lower than the one his brothers were still fighting on. While still painful, the fall wasn’t really all that terrible. He’d definitely had worse. But the air had been knocked out of him, and he landed wrong on his injured arm. Wheezing in pain, the teen instinctively curled up on himself, shielding his obvious injury as he struggled to get air into his lungs.

The Foot ninja didn’t pause their attack and charged after the fallen leader. With his katana having clattered out of his grip, Leo was left largely defenseless and still a bit dazed. When he recognized the danger, it was too late. There was little he could do to protect himself as the enemy’s tanto bore down upon him.

But just before the blade could deliver the lethal blow, it was suddenly locked tight with sai. Raphael came barreling in out of nowhere, tacking and slashing at the ninja that nearly impaled his brother. Donnie and Mikey inserted themselves between their eldest brother and the threat still coming towards them. The bo staff was a dangerous blur and the nunchuka were spinning around with deadly speed. “You leave our brother alone!” the youngest cried.

Struggling to sit up while his siblings took care of the Foot, Leo pushed himself to stand and looked around for his swords. One was still near, while the other was over by Raph – who was currently beating the snot out of the human he was fighting. But before he could do anything to help, the fight was over, the Foot retreating into the night, scrambling to get away from the surprising attack. They apparently hadn’t counted on the turtles fighting so viciously. And truthfully, neither had Leo. He’d never seen his brothers quite that…volatile before. Even Mikey had not pulled punches.

“Leo!” Donnie rushed over to his eldest brother as soon as the Foot were gone. “Here, let me look at you.”

“Dude!” Mikey came crashing into Leo’s side, hugging him fiercely, causing the taller turtle to wince, already feeling the bruises he’d gotten.

“Get offa him, numbskull!” Raph cuffed the younger turtle on the back of the head, causing Mikey to let go of their older brother on instinct to grab at his head. “You _tryin’_ ta hurt him more?”

Leo opened his mouth to wave off his brothers’ concern, when Donnie beat him to it, already pulling out bandaged from his pack. “You’ll have a definite bruise on your shell,” he diagnosed, taking the injured arm in firm, but gentle hands. “It’s going to be uncomfortable for a while. But this cut’s pretty deep. You may need stitches.”

The leader blinked, taking a breath to speak, when interrupted yet again, “Stitches?!” Mikey wailed, grabbing at Leo. “Dude! Don’t worry, bro! We’ll take care of you! I’ll even feed you pizza so you don’t have to use your hurt arm!”

“Or he could always just use the _other_ arm to feed himself,” Raph snorted, but glanced at his older brother, something dark and protective flashing in the depths of the green orbs. “If I see those Foot bastards again, I promise ya they won’t be walkin’ away next time.”

“I doubt very much Sensei would approve of you going on a murdering spree, Raphael,” Donnie rolled his eyes as he tied off the bandage. Brown eyes looked over the still stunned leader with a clinical eye. “Besides, there’s no time for that. We should get back to the lair so I can get a proper look at Leo’s arm.”

“I got ya, bro!” Mikey slung Leo’s good arm over his shoulder to help him walk despite the fact that Leo’s legs were fine. The leader sputtered, unsure how to process the surge of care he was suddenly receiving.

Still ignoring him in their quest to care for him, the younger brothers continued to bicker as they walked home. Raph grabbed the fallen katana. “Who said I’d murder ‘em?” he challenged. “I could just break their legs or sever limbs.”

Donnie gave the red clad ninja a supremely unimpressed look while Mikey laughed. “Dude. You _are_ seriously twisted.”

Raphael smirked, a look of pride settling on his face at what he took as praise. Leo wasn’t quite sure how to feel about such an expression. “Thanks.”

When they made it to the fire escape, finally Leo came back to himself and pulled out of Mikey’s arms. At his sudden stop, all three brothers were instantly in his face, brown and green and blue eyes wide with concern. “You all right, Leo?” Donnie asked immediately. “Something wrong? What hurts?”

“Aww snap! I can carry you, dude!”

“What kinda injuries you hidin’? What aren’t ya tellin’ us?”

Blinking at his brothers as he pulled back, Leo shook his head. “Nothing!” he finally found his voice to defend himself. “I’m okay. Just…You guys don’t need to keep fussing over me or anything. I can walk myself. I don’t need any help.”

Raph was the first to back off, pulling away like he’d been slapped – or more accurately, realized just what he was doing. “Who said I was fussing?!” he demanded, embarrassment clear in his tone.

“You don’t have to be ashamed to ask for help, Leo,” Donnie interrupted crisply. “You were just kicked off a _building_.”

“Yeah, dude! That was _so_ messed up!” Mikey twisted anxiously, and deep distress was back in his normally bright blue eyes.

Understanding hit like a ton of bricks. While he’d noticed it before, only then as he _really_ looked at his brothers did Leonardo grasp just how worried they’d actually been. Not just worried, _scared_. They’d been scared for him. Now that he thought about it, it probably had been pretty chilling to watch a brother go sailing through the air, not knowing where he would land.

Touched by the concern, feeling guilty for worrying them, Leo swallowed past the lump in his throat, “I –”

“Don’t sweat it, bro,” Mikey chirped, regaining his smile. It was only then that Leo noticed how tense the expression was. He allowed the short turtle to support him again. “We got you.

“That’s right,” Donnie placed a comforting hand on his elder brother’s shoulder. “Let _us_ take care of you for a little while.”

“Ya can’t _always_ be the hero,” Raph snorted, crossing his arms, but he was still edgy, telling the blue banded ninja that his brother was still agitated from the events.

Deciding to allow his brothers to do as they wished for the time being, the turtles made their way home, Leo’s good arm slung around Mikey’s shoulder despite not needing the help. If it made his baby brother feel better, and if it help for Donnie to babble over everything that needed to be done to his arm, and for Raph to hover behind him, then Leo wouldn’t stop them. They needed to do these things to comfort _themselves_ , and Leo would give them that. He’d give them just about anything.

Smiling softly, the leader stayed quiet as his brothers bickered and fussed. While annoying, their coddling really was kind of…sweet. And, he reflected with a self-depreciating smile, they had _finally_ come together as a team, giving much _more_ than one hundred and ten percent. Apparently all they needed was the right motivation.


	6. The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the world is at stake, Leo has to make an incredibly difficult call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saving the world is never easy.

_~You have to make the call you’re afraid to make~_

There was a time when Leonardo believed himself to be quite good at thinking on his feet. That he could make the correct call no matter how thick the situation. In the beginning, after being made leader, Leo felt like he was still good at this. After all, he’d been the one to come up with the plan to infiltrate the TCRI building that the Kraang had been keeping Kirby and April hostage at after they first left the sewers. And then towards the end of that battle, he’d been the one to figure out how to take out Snakeweed.

But slowly, the longer he was leader, the more they went out, the turtle began to realize with disturbing clarity that perhaps he wasn’t as good as he thought. That his judgement wasn’t perfect.

Sure, while he’d had his flub-ups to start with, he’d largely believed that those mistakes had been out of his hands. They weren’t _his_ fault! How was he supposed to know that Stockpile had made a million Mousers? How was _he_ supposed to know how ruthless the Shredder and his henchmen were? But then he’d met Karai and…well, things had changed.

Karai was not only beautiful and an amazingly devastating fighter, she also had the ability to bring out the best and worst in Leonardo. Some of the best fighting he’d done was against her, but she also manipulated him on more than one occasion. She’d _lied_ to him. _Frequently_. She _used_ him. And most of all, she hurt him and his brothers again and again, sometimes for the mere fact that she was _bored_!

Upon their first meeting, Leo had truly and honestly believed that she wasn’t as bad as she made herself out to be. After all, she was the first human – other than April – that had extended some kind of offer of friendship to him. And Karai hadn’t screamed the first time they’d met either. She had seemed too good to be true. A lovely _kunoichi_ that wasn’t afraid of him, that actually seemed to kind of like him. She’d thought he was _cute_!

But then she turned out to be the Shredder’s daughter, swearing to take revenge upon them all after they had tried to wipe out their great enemy. _That_ had been the beginning of Leo’s wakeup call. _That_ moment was when the turtle realized that he was truly not perfect. Every other mistake he’d been able to largely brush off, he’d been able to keep a hold of his denial and believe himself to be a good judge for a little while longer. But the moment he saw Karai’s betrayed expression, her furious golden-brown eyes, Leo felt the freezing, all consuming stab of doubt solidify firmly in his chest.

He hadn’t exactly liked the idea to take out the Shredder after making the deal with Karai, but Raphael had made a convincing argument. It had seemed like their only chance. And logically it made sense. But the plan had backfired so spectacularly, so completely, that it still haunted Leo at night. Not only because he had lost the tentative friendship and alliance with Karai _and_ failed to destroy the Shredder, but because it was his true reality check. The mission that shattered all illusions of grandeur.

Leonardo wasn’t always right.

Now here he was, rushing off with his brothers to stop the Kraang from invading, hoping to stop the Technodrome from destroying the city. Everything depended upon them, on _him_. If he made the wrong call now it couldn’t be marked as another minor mistake out of his control – _lives_ were on the line! The _world_!

And Leo was terrified.

Sensei still seemed to have some kind of faith in him, still hadn’t renounced his title as leader. While grateful for the confidence, there were times when Leonardo had to wonder if his father’s trust was not misplaced. After all, Leo was often wrong, he wasn’t perfect, wasn’t always right.

What if he made the wrong call?

His father’s words to him before they left still rang in the young turtle’s ears: _‘With the world at stake, the only thing of importance is that you complete your mission…No matter what you have to sacrifice or who_.’

At first the talk hadn’t fully registered in the teen’s mind. It sounded wonderfully like one of those speeches generals gave their men before they went out to battle on T.V, and a part of Leo had reveled in being given such a talk, loving the dramatics of it. But as they’d planned, gone out, the words began to sink in. And with growing horror, Leonardo understood what the words meant for the first time.

This wasn’t a movie. This wasn’t about him getting to play hero. This was a struggle of life or death with the greater probability resulting in them dying. His brothers dying. And Leo was going to be the one to have to make that call.

The thought was horrifying. Sickening. Never before had the turtle felt so ill. Because he knew Sensei was right. All his war books said so. Sometimes you had to sacrifice subordinates in order to achieve greater victory.

The mission did not go anywhere near as planned, but then, Leo had come to expect that. All that mattered in the end was that they work towards the ultimate goal of destroying the Technodrome. And like before when at the TCRI building as now, as they ran towards an escape pod away from Kraang Prime, after Mikey fell, Leonardo came to the realization that he was going to have to make an incredibly difficult call. Because he was going to have to make a sacrifice to ensure ultimate victory. And this time, his brothers wouldn’t be there to catch him.

Skidding to a halt as his brothers and April scrambled into the escape pod. He could hear them, especially Raph, calling out to him, beckoning for him to jump in. But there was no way they could all escape without Kraang Prime attacking, destroying them in the process. With Sensei’s words echoing in his brain, Leonardo knew it was time to make the call. He wasn’t perfect, his judgement wasn’t always sound, but in this he knew he was right.

For the world. For New York. For his brothers.

Using a chain to tangle up the massive Kraang, Leo urged his brothers and friend to get out while they still could. Of course they all argued, but that hardly mattered. It was time that they stop questioning his authority! “Go! I can’t hold it back any longer!”

Just as his desperation was beginning to rise into panic, at last his brothers and April escaped. They were safe, and Leo found a new surge of strength as he fought with Kraang Prime. He only had to hold on another few seconds before he could let go and sprint as fast as he could towards the opening.

In all likelihood, he was going to die. But unlike at the TCRI building where he’d fallen out of the window, plummeting towards death, this time, the leader was ready. Last time he held on to the hope that he might somehow be saved just as he had been. He’d had his brothers, after all, but now…

As the Technodrome blew, a last minute hit from Kraang Prime actually aided in Leonardo’s escape. The creature ended up pushing the turtle the rest of the way out, clearing him of the wreckage, and being sure to straighten himself out for a dive, he hit the water. The entire thing happened in only a few seconds, almost faster than the eye. But as Leo broke surface, sucking in air and grabbing ahold of a piece of metal from the exploded sphere, all the leader could do was look up into the sky where the dome had been, and watch in awe as all the escape pods floated safely on the waves as it fell into the ocean.

He was alive.

He was _alive_!

His _brothers_ were alive!

They’d _done it!_

The sound of anguished words caught his attention and the leader instantly recognized his brothers’ voices. Steering his piece of debris towards the pod, Leo began kicking his way over, intent on celebrating.

“I gave him nothin’ but a hard time,” he heard Raph, unusually soft and mournful, saying. “If I had it ta do all over again, I’d definitely be nicer.”

The words were touching, and despite how much he appreciated the sentiment after their rocky start as leader and follower, the older brother couldn’t quite help the urge to tease his siblings. After all, that’s what big brothers were for. “Really?” he called out, almost bursting out laughing when he heard the sad affirmation from his immediate younger brother before Raphael caught on.

“Leo?! Leo, you dork!”

And just like that, the turtles reunited with one another, Leo being smothered with hugs and pats on the shell. It was in that moment that he realized, even though he wasn’t always right, he didn’t always make decisions that would please everyone, and that he was just as prone to making mistakes as the rest of the world, he was still capable of making good calls, too. Maybe his judgement wasn’t so bad? Because here he was, surrounded by his brothers and April after saving the world and keeping them all safe.

Maybe he wasn’t such a terrible leader after all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the kudos and comments!! They are greatly appreciated!! <3


	7. Accountable Actions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's done is done, and it's time to own up to their mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: More brother fluff~

_~You have to be accountable for your actions even when things go wrong~_

It had been nearly a year now since the turtles had left the sewers and ventured to the world above. A year since four naïve teenagers were greeted to the harsh realities of the world. To finally come face to face with the fact that they were different and humanity as a whole would probably never accept them.

Sitting gloomily in the pit, Leo chanced a glance over at his second youngest brother. Donatello looked about ready to burst into tears and Leo found himself aching for his brother. While Raph and Mikey were just as bummed out as he was, none of them were quite as bad as Donnie. After all, none of them had had a crush on April.

How could things have gotten so out of control? One minute they were the kings of the world, they had defeated not only the Kraang but Master Splinter had taken out the Shredder. Everything had seemed so perfect. The nightmares of aliens and evil villains were gone!

Or so they had thought.

Next thing they knew all hell broke loose. The Kraang had come back, bringing a huge shipment of mutagen. The party had officially ended.

Master Splinter had been so right about them. They had become too cocky, too overconfident. They had just jumped in that stealth ship like they owned it and started trash talking the Kraang. Next thing they knew they were in a brutal fight with the new gorilla-like droid things before accidently unleashing hundreds of canisters of Mutagen.

At first Leo had tried to convince himself that this wasn’t really their fault, _his_ fault. It had been Mikey and Donnie who opened the door and released the Mutagen, after all! It wasn’t his fault that his younger brothers had all not listened to him and started bickering with one another.

But then, the more he thought about it, the more Leonardo realized that he was equally as guilty. After all, he hadn’t caught any of the canisters either. He hadn’t recovered from the surprise of those new Kraang butt cannons. He hadn’t stopped his brothers bickering soon enough.

And now because of them, _him_ , there were hundreds of canisters of mutagen littered across the city, Mr. O’Neil was a giant mutant bat, April never wanted to see them again, and now Donnie was brokenhearted and depressed. All because he’d been too cocky, too arrogant, and too self-righteous to admit that the threat they had thought they defeated could return. That their enemies would never rise after being foiled once.

After lecturing them about their failure, Master Splinter retired for the evening, leaving them to dwell on their thoughts. Soon after Raph stomped off to his room, while Mikey slinked away to probably read comics in bed. It left Leo alone with Donnie, who hadn’t lifted his head since their father had gone.

While knowing that his brother probably didn’t want to talk at the moment, too lost in his own head, the elder turtle decided to make an attempt. “Donnie?”

The younger terrapin didn’t look up.

“Don?” Leo scooted over to sit beside his brother. “You…okay?”

Donnie barked out a bitter laugh. “No, Leo. I’m not ‘ _okay’_.”

Sighing, realizing how stupid the question was when he knew how much his brother was hurting, the leader tried again. “Look, Donnie, I know how you feel –”

“How could you _possibly_ know how I feel?” the genius turned and glared fiercely at his brother.

Leo’s face blanked out for a minute as the words slapped him full in the face. While he knew that his brother was hurting, that he’d just had his heart broken, Leo _did_ know how it felt. He knew because he was still haunted by Karai’s betrayed face since they’d tried to take out the Shredder. He knew because even though he had known she was the enemy, it still hurt when she spat in his face, rejecting him completely and threw away their tentative friendship. He knew what Donnie was going through, because while he hid it as best as he could, he’d had his heart broken, too.

Taking a deep breath, steadying himself while under the intense glare from his brother, the older turtle repeated softly, but with a hint of steel beneath, “I _know_ how you feel, Donnie,” he repeated, watching as slowly, understanding bloomed on the genius’s features. “And I know it hurts. But the truth is, what’s done is done. We screwed up. There’s nothing we can do to undo this.”

The devastation radiating off of his brother was agonizing, but Leo refused to lie to Donnie, refused to sooth with false comforts. Because Leo understood that they had to own up to their mistakes, had to accept responsibility for what happened tonight, and his brothers needed to understand that as well. They were too old to keep passing the blame off on someone or something else.

“But what if –”

Shaking his head, the elder turtle interrupted. “No, Donnie. It’s done. If April doesn’t want to see us again, that’s her choice. She has a right to be mad at us after what we did. Give her some time. Maybe when she’s cooled down a little she’ll come back, but that has to be up to her.”

It wasn’t the most comforting thing to say, but it was true. The truth might sting, it might hurt, but it was better than deluding themselves and becoming fools. Maybe once the initial pain wore off, Donnie would understand what he was trying to say, that he was trying to help.

Big brown eyes stared at him with unconcealed hurt, and once more Leo’s heart broke for the genius. He knew exactly what his brother was feeling, knew the pain. And while not being the most affectionate or comforting of the brothers, Leo opened up his arms, offering a hug if needed. It felt a little silly, him just sitting there staring at his younger, but taller brother with his arms open, but the embarrassment only lasted a moment. While he didn’t jump at the chance to hug, Donnie still did not hesitate to cling onto his older brother, seeking to rid himself of what grief he could. And Leo held him close.

They stayed like that for a minute or so before Donatello eventually pulled away. Leo pretended not to see the other turtle wiping at the tears in his eyes. “Thanks, bro,” the genius whispered.

“No problem, Don,” the leader placed a comforting hand on the still shaking shoulder. “Maybe you should go get some sleep? It might help.”

For once the purple clad turtle didn’t resist. Instead he nodded as he shuffled off in the direction of their rooms. Only when Leo heard the door of his brother’s room close did he sigh and slump down on the couch. What a fantastic mess the day had been.

Pulling himself to his feet, the young leader made his own way to bed after checking around the lair one last time. As he entered his room, he couldn’t help the very great guilt at knowing what had happened. But like he had told Donnie, what was done was done, and they had to own up to it. Denying the blame wouldn’t help anything, wouldn’t solve their problems.

So sliding into bed after pulling off his gear, Leonardo stared up at ceiling, unable to help but wish that they were still celebrating their victory instead of swallowing the bitter taste of defeat.


	8. Run Faster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't matter if he wants to be the best, he has to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Leo...

_~You have to run faster even though you’re out of breath~_

Panting harshly, his sides aching, lungs burning, Leonard pushed himself forward. His legs felt as though they were going to buckle, but he kept going. He could still hear the taunts and accusations from his brothers echoing through his mind, spurring him forward.

_Lame-o-nardo._

_Splinter Junior._

_Teacher’s Pet._

_Slave Driver._

Growling, he pressed himself harder. He was nothing but a blur as he raced over rooftops, just another shadow shifting fluidly into the next. A flicker, a figment of the imagination. No one would see him even if they were looking.

 _You just think you’re_ so _much better than everyone, don’t ‘cha?!_

A snarl escaped as he tried moving faster. No, he _didn’t_ think he was better than everyone – just that he _needed_ to be. Why couldn’t they understand that? Why couldn’t his brothers see what he was trying to do?

The mission last week had nearly been a horrible catastrophe. Because he wasn’t strong enough, fast enough, he almost didn’t make it in time to save Mikey. His baby brother had run past him, run ahead of everyone, and had nearly fallen into a devastating Foot trap. Leo should have known better than to allow Mikey to scout ahead. While a talented ninja, Michelangelo’s stealth was still under par compared to the rest of them due to his lack of focus. The orange clad ninja had sprung the trap without any backup. Another minute later, if Leo had been just a little bit slower, then Mikey would’ve…

Shaking his head, trying to rid himself of the terrible memory, the turtle didn’t see the edge of the building coming up until it was too late. Too lost in his head, he couldn’t slowdown in time before toppling over the side. It was only due to reflex and sheer dumb luck that he managed to tumble onto another roof top, saving himself from falling to the unforgiving concrete below.

Rolling to a stop in the shadow of an old storage shed on top an apartment building, Leo laid flat, panting harshly, staring up at the sky. He shivered, the wind catching the sweat on his skin, instantly chilling cold blood. As he looked up into the cloudy, orange tinted sky, he couldn’t help trembling.

_Why ya always gotta show off? Isn’t it enough ta be Splinter’s favorite, ya just gotta be the best at everything, too?!_

Tears pricked the corner of his eyes as he gasped. His brothers just didn’t understand. He didn’t necessarily _want_ to be the best at everything, he _had_ to be. If he wasn’t stronger than them, faster than them, then he would let them down. They would get hurt or worse and it would be his fault. He had to stay one step ahead, had to make sure he was on top of any and all situations. He had to be the first in everything lest his brothers get hurt or worse.

This wasn’t about being the best for selfish reasons or pride anymore. Where once Leo could admit to being cocky and an arrogant ass when he allowed his perfectionist attitude to take over and flaunt over his brothers, things had changed. Ever since he’d become leader, _everything_ had changed. He didn’t see things the same way anymore. An innocence he hadn’t even known he possessed had been shattered, never to be replace.

Pushing himself up, Leo sat still a moment, his breaths still coming in sharp pants before he crawled to his feet. Looking back the way he had come before facing forward, he tore off into the night. His sides still ached, his lungs still burned, and breathing just _hurt_ , but he kept running.

Because it didn’t matter anymore if he _wanted_ to be the best, he knew he _had_ to be. Even when he couldn’t breathe.


	9. Details

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being leader means looking at all the angles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo's perfectionist attitude is both helpful and hurtful...

_~You have to grind out the details when it’s easier to shrug them off~_

If there was one thing no one could accuse Leonardo of, it was inattention to detail. While Donatello was the genius that often got caught up in his own little world, Leonardo was the pathological perfectionist. While Donatello could usually bow out, move on to other projects, rarely keeping his sole attention on any one experiment, when an idea stuck in Leonardo’s head, he became virtually _obsessive_.

Since becoming leader that trait had only been exacerbated. But it was for the best, he kept telling himself. The trait that his brothers had once called a flaw was now actually quite helpful. As, after all, being leader meant he had to look at _every_ angle, had to make certain that everything about his plans were perfect. _Nothing_ could be overlooked. It wasn’t just about wanting things to go his own way anymore, now _lives_ were at stake.

Since the whole fungus incident, Leo’s nightmares about his leadership had only gotten worse. But he’d faced his fear. For a time, he’d thought maybe his nightmares would ease as he’d confronted the anxiety in such a big way. But that fear hadn’t lessened. At all.

Lately the nightmares had become more vivid. The more he and his brothers went out of the sewers, the more they fought and challenged new villains, the worse the nightmares became. One night he dreamed that he hadn’t watched Donnie’s back closely enough when he’d been hacking into a Kraang computer and the genius had been shot. Another night it was that he wasn’t fast enough to reach Mikey as he fell from some high place or other. Then there were nightmares where he couldn’t stop Raph from charging into a fight and watched as his brother got cut down by the Shredder or one of his stooges.

But the worst nightmare of all, the one that left Leonardo shaking and sweating and terrified for hours to come, was the one where all of his brothers were killed at once. One minute he would be fighting for his life, the next, he was wading through waves of blood. The worst part was watching some nameless being – sometimes Shredder-like, other times not – as they completely mutilated his little brothers before his eyes. Stabbing, shooting, cutting, ripping their shells off…

 _No_.

Leonardo had never thought of himself as being OCD before, but lately he was beginning to consider the possibility. Every time he thought about his brothers getting hurt, every time he thought about an enemy getting too close…he panicked. He felt more afraid thinking those thoughts, having those nightmares, than he ever had about anything else in his life. He got fidgety and pushy in training with his brothers, pushing them, wanting them to get better, hoping that by seeing them improve it would lessen the anxiety he felt.

It didn’t. Not really.

But OCD was for irrational fears, the brain lying to you. Leonardo’s fears were _not_ irrational. They were very real. His concern for his brothers made perfect sense, and anyone could see and understand that.

No, Leo wasn’t OCD, he refused to classify himself as such. So instead, he turned his mind away from nightmares and self-pity to deal with the situations that came his way as best as he could. He could afford to overlook _nothing_ , because he refused to be the reason his brothers died. He might order them into harm’s way, but if any of them were to die, it would be Leo first _._

So with that thought in mind, he put all his focus into training, planning. Late at night he read about fighting tactics, histories of the art of war, and about ancient battles so that he could implement certain strategies in their own fights. He stayed up late at night thinking of all the possibilities of a battle, replaying past bouts and trying to find ways they could have done something differently.

Sure, it would have been nice to just forget about preparation, to give his aching head a break from all the horrible scenarios that played out constantly in his mind, but Leo wouldn’t just stop. He couldn’t. He was the turtle with the plan, the one that saw all the angles. Donnie might have been the smartest, but his vision was too narrowed, the same for Raph. Mikey’s problem was that he thought of too much all at once and rarely about the situation at hand. It was Leo, only Leo, who had just the right amount of balance and vision to see what his brothers could not. He _had_ to be the one to think, to plan, to strategize, and to be flexible enough to have a backup.

Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, Leo wondered if he would have another nightmare again tonight. He hoped not. Just one night of rest would have been heavenly. Just one night where he didn’t dream _at all_ – or as Donnie would point out, they all needed to dream in order to be truly rested, they just sometimes didn’t remember the dreams. Whatever it ended up truly being, Leo didn’t want to remember _anything_ for a night. Just wanted to lay down and feel as though he suddenly woke up when the alarm went off. That would be nice.

But just as his eyes started to feel heavy, Leo startled awake when he remembered he hadn’t finished that section in the _Art of War_. He’d promised himself he’d finish tonight so that he could continue to slowly implement more of its ideas into his own tactics.

Sighing, knowing the nagging feeling in the back of his mind wouldn’t let him rest until he finished, Leonardo sat back up, turned on the light, and started reading. He’d just finish this now and then tomorrow he could finalize that infiltration plan on the Kraang…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick Note: Leo's really in that transitional, terrible time of discovery of what being leader is. So keep that in mind when reading his angst ^^
> 
> Thanks again for all the kudos and reviews! They are appreciated!


	10. Unsure and Insecure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Kraang Invade New York, Leo fights the Foot alone.

_~You have to feel unsure and insecure when playing it safe seems smarter~_

There had been a time when Leonardo never doubted his skills. A time when he was arrogant and self-assured and would brushed off his defeats, attributing such instances as lucky days on the parts of his brothers who bested him, or that one of the other turtles must not have been playing completely fair. After breaking surface, however, Leo’s mindset changed rather drastically. How could it not have? After coming into contact with not only humans, but alien brains in robot bodies, other mutants, the Shredder…everything had changed in the quiet, smug little existence he’d led before.

Now, running out through the streets of New York, attempting to forget about the sun trying to heat his shell and the biting sting of the wind as it blew lazy snowflakes across the sky, Leonardo forced himself to stay focused. Because the moment he wasn’t he would be dead.

This wasn’t a game anymore, not a silly practice session with his brothers and Sensei. This wasn’t something he could signal for a timeout or quit because he didn’t like the rules anymore. This was _real_ and the stakes were crucial. If he failed this time, not only would his family, but all of New York and possibly the world, would suffer due to _his_ mistakes.

It would have been so much easier to just go hide somewhere, to get out of the city himself and regroup later. He’d been desperate to do just that with his brothers, but Donatello wouldn’t listen to him. _None_ of them had listened to him. Even Sensei had snapped, believing he argued only for pride’s sake. Leo hadn’t argued solely based on egotism, but because he was _right_ , and he’d known it.

But there was no point in dwelling on that now. Stopping around a corner, mentally counting to three in his head, he rushed from his hiding place and hacked through several Foot bots. There was a nagging, terrible feeling in his gut as he continued this terrible game of cat and mouse with the Foot, and even as he fought, there were brief flashes of doubt that shot through his mind about what he was doing.

Was this really a good idea? Getting corralled in by the Foot? Was this truly helping his brothers? New York?

But then if he was keeping the Foot busy, that meant that his family could figure out the Kraang ordeal and possibly stop this invasion from happening. Even if he wasn’t directly fighting the main source of their concerns now, he was still doing what he could. And maybe, just maybe, he could take out enough Foot to eliminate them as a possible threat now and in the future.

The battle that raged against him was his own private hell. It didn’t seem to matter how many Foot bots he took out, more just kept coming. He limbs were burning, shaking from the cold and exhaustion, but he pressed on. Each time he felt too tired to continue, blessed adrenaline always seemed to shoot through his veins when needed, whenever he thought about failing. And eventually he came before his true target.

There, standing high above, as if he cared nothing for the world as it slowly fell apart around him, was the Shredder, flanked by his goons. Leo remembered the first time he’d fought against the Shredder, how overwhelming it had been, how _good_ the man truly was, how frightening. But he had to do this. Perhaps it was from arrogant pride, but honestly, Leo felt more desperate than anything.

Scowling, swallowing his fear, Leonardo glared up at his tormentor. “Stop hiding behind your Foot bots! Face me, Shredder!”

“You are beneath me, turtle.”

The words chilled Leo to the bones, more than the fridge wind whispering promises of a storm. Before he could react, a chain wrapped itself around his wrist, pulling him backwards. The fighting resumed.

Kicking and punching and slashing all seemed to run together in his mind. His actions were largely automatic. There was no time for thinking. If he stopped, even for a moment, the fear, the doubt would consume him, the weariness break him. He couldn’t stop now, not even for a minute, or he might lose himself to regrets.

But just when he believed he had defeated the last of the Foot bots, one grabbed his foot, unsettling the startled turtle enough that he fell down the construction site and into a pit. There was no real time to protect himself, nor to prepare for the icy water below. The moment he was submerged, every muscle in his body screamed, pain from the shock giving him the necessary, but energy consuming burst of adrenaline he needed to push himself out of the water and climb onto the platform above.

For a moment he allowed himself to lay still on his back, panting and trying in vain to warm himself, to get feeling back into his limbs. It was useless. Cold blooded as he was, he was not meant to be out in such conditions, let alone to be dunked in such low temperatures. This hadn’t been a good idea…

 _No_!

No time for that!

Pushing himself up, he got into a ready fighting stance, only having his fists now to protect himself. He wasn’t going to stop. Not when he was so close! Just a little longer. He could survive this a little longer for his brothers’ sakes!

A second later, Tiger Claw, Rahzar, and Fishface were on him, beating him down to the ground. Kicking, punching, clawing. The Shredder still did not deem Leonardo worthy to fight. Still did not believe him to be a challenge.

Something in Leonardo snapped. There was no time to think about what he did, he simply moved. First Fishface was thrown away with violent force, then he jumped on Rahzar, kicking him brutally. A scream, furious and savage and frightened and everything Leo was feeling erupted from his chest before he attacked Tiger Claw, actually managing to knock the tiger out of the fight.

Surveying the damage he had caused, a part of him surprised that he’d actually managed to do all this alone. One minute he was calming his racing heart, the next a presence behind him forced the turtle to turn. He had no time to prepare, no time to do more than scream. One minute he was staring up into the gruesome face of the Shredder, the next…nothing but an overwhelming surge of pain.

The last thing that passed through his mind before the world went dark was that he hoped he’d given his brothers enough time to stop the Kraang.


	11. Face Facts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up at the farm house, Leo is forced to face 'facts'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more brother fluff~

_~You have to search for your own explanations/solutions even when you’re told to accept the facts~_

Waking up three months after you last remember anything, in a strange place, injured and weak, was not something Leonardo found he liked. In fact, the moment he peeled open his eyes, finding himself sitting in a bathtub of all things, the water cool, his body aching, while in a room he did not recognize was probably one of the scariest sensations that he had ever experienced. He couldn’t remember. There was nothing. The last thing he consciously recalled was being in the streets of New York fighting the Foot while the Kraang invaded the city.

But after turning his head to give a tentative look around, he found his immediate younger brother dozing off while sitting on a stool, head hung low, swaying slightly as he apparently still had some shred of consciousness. He didn’t look hurt. In fact, Raph actually looked okay.

The relief the older turtle felt was profound. “R-R-Raph?”

His voice sounded like a terrible scratchy, low groan, much deeper and hoarser than Leonardo had ever heard it. But despite its sound, it snapped Raphael out of his sleep instantly, head shooting up, green eyes wide. “Leo?”

The older brother tried to smile, but it may or may not have come across as a grimace. His throat hurt. Actually, everything hurt, but he had to stay strong for his brother.

That plan almost completely imploded in on itself when suddenly Leonardo found himself wrapped in his younger brother’s arms. The embrace was surprisingly fierce, and for a moment it confuse Leo enough that the pain in which the action brought stalled into numbness. When was the last time Raphael actually, truly hugged him?

When the stronger turtle pulled away there were genuine tears swimming in his eyes, that stubborn lip trembling before the hothead looked away, glaring at the wall. For once those intense eyes were not glaring at _him_. “Don’t do that again, Leo,” his voice was a rough whisper. “Don’t ‘cha _ever_ do something so _stupid_ like that ever again.”

The pain, the worry, the fatigue, the anger all came out in the short speech, giving Leo a moment of pause. He was having trouble processing, having trouble remembering. But when he recalled his fight with the Foot bots, with Shredder’s goons, and the embarrassingly brief encounter with the Shredder himself, Leo felt shame wash over him. What he thought he was doing then looked very different in hindsight. He’d abandoned his brothers, his family, and he had worried them all to the point where Raphael was nearly in tears.

What had he done?

Before Leo could respond around the thickness in his throat, to apologize to his brother, Raph already turned away, and with more excitement in his voice than there had been in a long time, he called for everyone to come. Leo’s eyes never left his immediate younger brother, willing Raph to look at him, to realize just how sorry he was for scaring him, when the door burst open.

Immediately he was enveloped in Mikey’s arms, pain coursing through his body before he was eventually helped out of the tepid water to dry off. It was Raph who took most of Leo’s weight and even shooed everyone out of the way so that they could take him down stairs for Donnie to give another checkup. While it was Mikey who chirped and bounced around anxiously, Donnie who performed the physical as he chattered on about the wounds, it was Raph who hovered. The big turtle did not move far from his elder brother.

When all things were said and done, when it was discovered that Leo’s voice would never be the same, the turtle felt himself overwhelmed. Not only for himself, but for everything that had been told to him. Three months had gone by. He’d been out for _three_ months. He’d almost _died_. His voice would never be the same, damaged beyond what even Donatello could fix. And of course, Master Splinter was…gone.

There would have been a time when Leonardo would have been upset with himself and annoyed with his brother for being able to tell that he was distraught, but when Raph pulled up his big brother and took him into the kitchen with the excuse of ‘helping him make tea,’ Leo never felt more grateful. He needed a moment.

The others let them go and together the two oldest turtles made their way into the small kitchen. Raph helped his brother ease down into a chair by the table before going to boil water. The younger turtle left his brother a moment only to return a short time later with his gear. “Here,” Raph muttered, kneeling down so that he could help wrap his feet and get his kneepads on.

Having his gear made Leo feel much more comfortable, more like himself. He’d never realized just how much the simple training gear had become a part of him, his armor. While still shaken, disoriented, he didn’t feel nearly as vulnerable now that he was ‘dressed.’

But his brother’s new found positivity and helpfulness confused Leo. Even though he just woke up, was just seeing his brother’s changes and support, he knew he owed a lot to Raphael. Raph, who had sat at his sickbed and barely left his side. Raph, who offered to help him regain strength and train together. Raph, who was making him tea and right now _dressing him_. He’d only been awake an hour or so, but already Leo realized he wouldn’t know what to do if it weren’t for Raphael. Truly his hotheaded brother was the only thing keeping him from breaking down.

Before he could say a word, to thank his brother, the tea kettle began whistling, causing the bigger turtle to stand just before he could tie on the blue mask on his brother’s face. Leo didn’t mind, and while he normally would not allow himself to be coddled like this, he knew it was a way for Raph to ease his own anxieties. Anything he could do to help his brother, Leo would do it.

Raph fixed up a cup of tea before carrying it out of the kitchen. Leo sat waiting, head still spinning, before his brother came back and helped him up. They limped at an agonizingly slow place back into the living room before Raph sat his brother down by the fireplace. “There ya go,” the emerald turtle muttered, more to himself than Leo. “Here,” he nudged the tea into the weak hands.

Leo tried to mutter a thanks, but his voice failed and an odd almost moan-like noise came out instead. Apparently seeing the distress on his face, or perhaps understanding that Leo still needed his space, Raph left his older brother to go sit on the couch with the others. He wasn’t too far away, and the elder turtle had a feeling that if he should say a word, his brother would come to him immediately, but the space was appreciated.

The next few days were nothing short of hell as Leo tried his best to simply _walk_. Raph was right there with him every step of the way, but of course there wasn’t really much the younger could do to help his brother other than serve as a crutch and assist with getting him ready in the mornings and for bed at night.

One night, as he sat by the fire, Leo’s mind would not ease. They’d talked about it pretty extensively before, but he just couldn’t wrap his mind around it. “I just can’t stop thinking about Master Splinter,” he reiterated for what must have been the millionth time. “Maybe he’s not really gone.”

Of course his brothers tried to crush the fragile hope that had been slowly building in Leonardo’s heart. ‘For his own good’ of course. But no matter how Leo thought about the event, he just couldn’t – _wouldn’t_ – believe that their master was actually gone. Not Splinter. Not their father.

But there was actually little time to dwell on such morbid and desperate thoughts as the lights went out. Everything plunged into absolute chaos after that. It was like something out of one of Leo’s nightmares come true. One minute everything was fine, the next, one by one his friends and brothers were picked off and he was powerless to help. As he waited on the porch, he grabbed his katana _,_ feeling their weight in his hands for the first time since waking, and listening to the screams off in the distance. First his brothers, then his friends. The turtle was near frantic when he saw April come limping out of the woods. He wanted to rush over, to help, but before he knew what was happening, something wrapped around her ankles and threw her down to the ground. And like some horror movie, she was dragged back into the darkness, screaming.

With as hurt as he still was there wasn’t anything Leo could do. He couldn’t run after April, couldn’t fight off whatever monster was out there, hell he couldn’t even _lift_ his swords properly anymore! He was useless! Utterly and completely useless, and now he was alone, his friends and brothers gone!

_No!_

Leo forced himself to stand and limped back towards his cane and swords. No he would _not_ give up! Such thinking had no place in his mind. Even if he was useless, even if he was hurt, he refused to believe that there wasn’t something he could do to at least _try_ to help!

The fact was that he was hurt, but then the fact was he didn’t _care_. He’d rather get himself killed when trying to do something than sit around and wait for his nightmares to become true.

The entire ordeal was strange and weird and utterly terrifying, but they came through in the end. Despite having reinjured his leg and reopened a few still healing wounds, Leo found his biggest concern was Raphael. Donnie kept telling them that there was a chance Raph might be gone for good, that there might not be away to revive him. But Leonardo _refused_ to believe that. He refused to believe that he was going to lose another family member. Splinter might still be missing, but there was no way Leo was going to lose his brother.

So he pushed the genius, snapped at him, ordering him to find a way.

Failure was no longer an option.

Not ever again.

As Donnie worked, Leonardo oversaw everything, making sure that if his younger brothers needed him, he was there. When Donnie sat back at one point, explaining that they had to wait a little while before seeing if the treatment worked, Leo offered to keep watch so the genius could get at least a few minutes of sleep. In that time, while the others rested and he sat beside Raph, the leader realized just what kind of torture he’s coma must have put everyone through, put _Raph_ through. This was only night one and already Leo felt like he might snap.

As it turned out, Donnie proved to be magical and again saved the day. Raphael was revived. Leo hadn’t slept a wink, but even with as tired as he was, how he still ached, he was happy. Happy because his brother, all of his brothers and friends, were safe.

Leaning into his immediate younger brother for support as they all made their way into the farm house from the barn to get some much needed rest, Leo felt Raph give his shoulder a squeeze. Without looking at him, the younger turtle muttered very quietly, “Thanks, man.”

A warm smile melted onto the older brother’s lips. “Any time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Some hard lessons are coming up for Leo, but there will still be brotherly love mixed in. :)


	12. Invest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo learns a very important lesson from his most impatient brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some angst, some fluff~

_~You have to invest in yourself even though no one else is~_

Leonardo had a routine. A routine he performed everyday religiously.

Wake up. Make his bed. Put on his mask and gear. Go to the kitchen to make tea. Go to the dojo for a quick kata before meditation. After meditation it was breakfast. And after breakfast, morning training. And so on.

Just as he had his morning routine, Leo had developed a nightly one after their patrols. Come home, get cleaned up, care for wounds (if needed), debrief with Master Splinter, talk to Donnie (if needed), go to his bedroom to read, meditate, then sleep. But after he became leader, Leo had added on the responsibility of ensuring that his younger siblings, and even their father, were in bed and the lair was secured for the night, before he was able to rest.

Sensei wasn’t all that difficult and was never a worry as he usually retired to his room around the same time every evening, but having three younger brothers who tended towards the night-owl side of life was problematic. It was weird that Raphael was actually the easiest to get to bed, or at least go to his bedroom. While able to stay up late, they all knew Raph needed sleep or else he was an absolute _nightmare_ the next day. And really, going to bed was the only real consideration he offered his family, going to his room at a decent hour to relax and sleep so that he could somewhat keep his tempter the next day.

Mikey was sometimes tricky as the hyperactive turtle was too invested in television. When there was a marathon playing it was a sure bet that Mikey wanted to stay up watching it. While not temperamental like their red clad brother, when Michelangelo didn’t get enough sleep, he simply ceased to function. You couldn’t get him to do _anything_ without him falling over. But it was usually only a matter of bribery or a stern scolding and Mickey could be coaxed into going to sleep.

The _real_ challenge was Donatello. When working on a project, and _really_ wanting to get it done, there was almost nothing in the universe that could stand between the genius and his experiments. But Leo was nothing if not stubborn, and had eventually come up with creative threats in order to get his genius brother to bed, occasionally using devious intervention. Sometimes it was sleeping pills in his coffee – which Leo would switch with decaffeinated – other times it was the threat of setting _Mikey_ loose in the lab while Donnie was out. Eventually the game became old enough and tiring enough for Donatello that usually all Leo had to do now was give him the _Look_ and the lanky turtle relented somewhat gracefully and would go to bed…usually. In any case, Donnie also hated to hear about how monstrous he was when not getting enough sleep from his other brothers. Because when Donnie didn’t sleep, his aggression was terrifyingly Raph-like.

If one of his brothers was sick, it was usually Donnie they went to first for treatment, but Leo had begun taking it upon himself to sit with the ill brother and help nurse them back to health if he could. If one of them was hurt, Leo was always there to do what he could. If they needed someone to talk to, to listen, or simply just be there, Leo tried his best to be that brother they went to.

Being leader made him feel separated from them and he didn’t like the distance that was growing between them. He _wanted_ to be the one they not only looked up to, but looked to when they needed or wanted help. He _wanted_ to be the one they knew they could trust no matter what.

But as time went on, Leonardo began to realize that the gap between he and his brothers was only widening. While they were all growing to respect him and his authority when out on patrol or in battle, they didn’t necessarily go out of their way to treat him like a brother. Sometimes it seemed like they completely forgot, treating him only like _Splinter Junior._

And that hurt.

 _Badly_.

Despite wanting to be seen as the all-wise and calm leader, the fact was that Leonardo was still a teenager himself. He still craved the acceptance and attention of his peers. But somewhere along the way he’d come to realize that, in a sense, he didn’t have any peers. Mentally he was the most mature of his brothers – the other turtles still all about goofing off and whining about trivial things that simply did not matter. Listening to Mikey and Raph argue about cereal in the morning often left Leo with a sneer before he could think better of it. Because, honestly, they were upset about _cereal_? They had much more important things to worry about!

There had been a time when Leo thought that perhaps Raph was starting to mature like he was, that his immediate younger brother could be someone whom he could speak with about the growing threats of the world and plan with like an adult without constant childishness getting in the way. But then Casey Jones had been introduced to the gang. Once the punk waltzes into their lives, Raph was shirking responsibilities and running off to play vigilante with the other teen more frequently than what was comfortable.

Donatello seemed as though he would be mature and able to help Leo in shouldering some responsibilities, but Donnie had been head over heels for April from the beginning and often let his romantic tendencies overpower his maturity. His constant bickering rivalry with Casey and his shortsighted faith in his technology just couldn’t hold up to the real world. Donnie’s biggest fear was rejection from April for crying out loud! There were so many other things to be afraid of other than a girl not wanting to date you!

And Michelangelo…Well, that one was pretty obvious.

None of his brothers knew, none realized, that their childhood was over. It was time to grow up. Time to move on. Playtime was over and things were serious now.

Staring out the window, sitting on the bed in the farm house, Leo reflected once again that yes, things were indeed serious. He’d tried his hand at leadership and failed. And now maybe it was time to think of passing on the torch. Maybe this just wasn’t what he was meant to do.

“Still sulkin’ in here?”

Not bothering to turn to stare at his brother, not surprised that Raphael had found him, Leo bit back a sigh. “Just thinking.”

“Yeah?” the younger turtle sat down beside him, not really looking at Leo. “Well forget that. Mikey wants ya to come downstairs for _Crognard_.”

A sneer worked its way onto the leader’s beak and he didn’t bother to hide it. “I think there’s more important things we should be doing than wasting our time watching such a stupid show,” he snapped.

That caused the hothead to turn and eye at his brother. Leo knew he was being sullen, but he couldn’t help it. He hadn’t yet realized that being constantly alone and plagued with only his thoughts to keep him company had slowly been eating him alive, filling him with self-doubt and depression. Because despite how mature he thought he was, he didn’t see everything.

“Yeah, maybe,” Raph shrugged. “But there’s always time to take a break.”

For reasons not even Leonardo knew, the flippantly stated remark, along with the shrug of one shoulder, set him off in a way that such actions never had before. “Right. Because the Kraang take a break. The people and the city can wait until we decide to get off our shells and eventually come save them when we _feel_ like it.”

The venom in his voice surprised even the leader, and for a moment, the two brothers stared at one another, Raph frowning with narrowed eyes while Leo’s were wide in wonderment. But instead of getting angry, blowing up in his face like he knew he deserved, Raph didn’t speak. Didn’t even growl. Instead he stood up, grabbed Leo’s upper arm, and yanked him up so that the older turtle was standing.

“Ya been in here too long,” the hothead muttered, before half dragging, half carrying his brother as they left the room and made their way down the stairs. Already waiting for them, the others turned when the older ninja arrived.

“Dudes!” Mikey exclaimed, almost spilling the popcorn he was sharing with Donnie in his excitement. “ _Crognard’s_ gunna start~!”

Raph pushed his older brother down on the couch before plopping beside him. Leo felt a little squished with his brother so close but didn’t dare say anything. Not after almost detonate the bomb. His younger brother didn’t make it a habit to bite back his temper often and Leonardo wasn’t stupid enough to take any more chances at the moment. One more little thing could likely set the hothead off.

So together with his brothers and friends, almost pressed completely against Raph’s side, Leo sat and watched an episode of _Crognard_. It was silly and fanciful and sort of reminded him of _Space Heroes_ a little. But even though he still believed that there were more useful things they could be doing, even the leader had to admit that while listening to everyone chatter and make fun of the show that Mikey was drooling over, that he was beginning to relax. All of the tension that had slowly been building up and twisting his muscles was carefully unwinding. For the first time in a long while he felt…okay.

Sneaking a glance at Raph, Leo had been surprised that the hothead had remained as quiet as he was, until he realized that while he didn’t like to show it, Raph had been worried. Worried about _him_. Because in his desperation to get better so he could start taking care of everyone again, could come up with a way to save New York, he’d kept slipping down the road of miserable self-pity. Leo had started to forget to take care of himself.

In fact, the leader realized he hadn’t really been taking care of himself all that much for a _long_ time.

When the episode ended and Donnie and April started to clean up with Casey and Mikey setting up to play a game, Leo decided it was time to start making things right.

“Raph?” When green eyes turned to stare at him, the leader smiled a bit, allowing some of his apology show in his eyes. “Can you help me with something? I want to go out on the porch.”

The bulkier turtle frowned suspiciously. “Why?”

Leo’s smile became a little more genuine. “I want to meditate.”

The younger turtle stared for a moment, eyes widened slightly, before stiff shoulders almost completely slumped down in what could have only been relief. “Yeah. Sure…I’ll go get some candles?”

“That’d be good. Thanks.”

Once everything was settled and Leo was sitting on the porch surrounded by the oddly scented candles that his brother had been able to scrounge, the leader allowed his breathing to slow and even out as his mind slipped away from his body and towards the spiritual planes. He hadn’t meditated since before the Invasion, and now that he was out in the soothing night, listening to the insects and other nightly creatures chorus, Leo realized how much he’d missed this. How much he _needed_ this.

Later that night, as Raph helped him up the stairs, both quiet in their own thoughts, Leo made sure to give his brother’s shoulder a squeeze before being left alone for the evening. When green eyes were looking at him curiously, the older brother smiled. “Thank you, Raphael.”

Understanding passed between the two, and a slight, but genuine smile shadowed the younger brother’s lips. “Yeah. No worries, man.”

And with that, they both went their separate ways for the evening. And as Leo laid down in bed, staring up at the ceiling, he couldn’t stop the fond smile that slipped on his lips when he realized that he’d just learned such an important lesson from his most volatile brother.


	13. Results

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonardo battles to push aside his depression and steps up to become leader once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spirit Quest!

_~You have to deliver results when making excuses is an option~_

He was hurt. He knew that. They _all_ knew that, but he kept trying.

Or at least, he kept _trying_ to try. Honestly, it was getting harder and harder to keep himself going.

Failure was not something Leonardo could easily deal with. The _thought_ of failing made him sick. _Actually_ failing made him cringe and ache. And lately all it seemed like he could do was feel sick and hurt. All the time.

Just when he believed he was getting better, he’d relapse. Just when he thought he could at least walk without the use of the crutch for brief periods of time, he’d fall or his knee would twist. The pain was excruciating to the point where all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sob. The feeling doubled when the physical ache passed and he was left emotionally traumatized.

 _Useless_!

He was so fucking useless it made him sick. He _hated_ himself for being so weak! And no matter how much he tried to overcome this sudden and scary slide down into depression, he just…couldn’t.

All of his brothers and friends were being so very good to him. Offering to help, giving him distractions, but ultimately Leo’s mood never truly improved. He’d been optimistic at first, knew he had to be patient and he’d get better. But after some time, after all the setbacks, there was just no way Leo could keep up his ‘I’m okay’ façade.

As it turned out, no one really believed that mask to begin with. Raph was always the one that came to him, usually when everyone else was asleep, demanding that Leo talk to him. Which was somewhat ironic since the hothead never talked to anyone. But really, the sentiment was sweet considering Raph wasn’t one known for his patience in dealing with others or their problems. The fact that he was trying, that he was so willing to listen, was actually pretty touching.

But it took his family once again almost getting killed to snap Leonardo out of his funk. After he and April saved the others from the chimera, the leader was determined to do everything within his power to improve. He couldn’t keep blaming his inactivity and weakness on his leg anymore. Even if it was a valid excuse. His leg might never been the same, but he’d learn to adapt. That was the ninja way.

It was only when they started their spirit quest that Leonardo realized how much of an excuse he’d used his injured leg as until they went hiking through the woods. The time spent outdoors, however, with just his brothers, roughing it like some sort of cavemen was actually pretty fun, and was honestly the best Leo felt in a long, long time. For just a little while he didn’t really have all that much responsibility. He didn’t have to worry about enemies for the time being, he didn’t have to worry about strict routine. It was just he and his brothers out in the woods.

And it was amazing how well they followed his orders! None of them really complained either, save for a comment by Donnie about missing his tech. and Mikey whining about being hungry. Raph was actually the best behaved of the whole bunch and had stepped up almost like a second-in-command, ensuring that the younger turtles listened to their big brother.

It was…weird, but nice. It soothed something Leo hadn’t realized was hurting. All thoughts of his uselessness began to ease as he trained with and for his brothers. They still looked to him as leader, as terrible one as he had been, but they were still loyal to him and followed his direction. Donnie, especially, now seemed to agree almost exclusively with Leo unless he really and truly believed the leader was incorrect.

The pain in his leg seemed to get worse as time went on, however, and eventually all the turtles, Leo included, were becoming discouraged with their quest. None of them really knew what they were doing but they knew that they hadn’t completed their training. They were trying, but they had no guidance.

Amazingly, however, just when Leo was starting to feel that dreadful nagging of doubt entering back into his mind, the vision of Master Splinter came to them. Everything changed in that moment. Not only did they now know about what had happened to their father – he was _alive!_ – but they had a clearer path to take. They had their direction. They knew what to do.

While Leonardo didn’t exactly like the idea of being separated from his little brothers, didn’t want them to get hurt while he could not help him, he knew what needed to be done. Knew that this was a challenge they each had to face on their own. They either survived or failed. There was no other option.

And it was honestly one of the worst trials of Leo’s life. Because this time, while alone facing enemies who felt so real, they were the terrifying reflections of their innermost demons. It was hard, so very hard for Leo to get over his fears and pain. If he failed, it would be because of his leg, the stupid thing holding him back. How was he supposed to fight, to _win_ if he couldn’t even stand up without the fear of falling over?

But then, like before, an epiphany. Physically there or not, the pain was irrelevant. Dreading failure once more, just like all the times before, Leonardo forced himself past his anxieties and the pain to attack. He refused to allow his injury to get the better of him! He couldn’t fall into despair, it wouldn’t help him. _Nothing_ could keep him weighted down! Not some stupid leg injury, not even his own fear.

By the time he met up with his brothers again it was clear that they had all passed their own trials. Marching back to the farm house like conquering heroes, they began making plans on returning to New York. _Leo_ made the plans.

And it felt wonderful.

Surrounded by his brothers, who were always there for him, and his loyal friends, the leader once more stepped up fully into the mantle of leadership. He directed them, commanded them, and they listened. There was a new steel in his tone, an authority that had never quite been there before, causing them to heed his words. He might never be the same again, the old Leonardo gone forever, but the Leonardo that the others had been forced to cope with for the last few months, the Leonardo that wallowed in self-pity was gone now, too.

Looking to the future, Leo refused to be anything other than a strong pillar for his family and friends. He had allowed them to support him for a while, it was time to step up. They needed _him_ and he would not fail them.

 _Never again_.


	14. Be Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you have to wait for the fruits of your labor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF!!

_~You have to be kind to people who have been cruel to you~_

The first thing anyone noticed about Raphael – other than him being a giant, talking ninja turtle, of course – was his attitude. Anyone who knew him knew that Raphael was not only dangerous when in a brawl, but also in private, in their down time. When he wasn’t fighting with his sai or fists, he was cutting everyone down with his tongue.

Sharp, acidic sarcasm was usually the hothead’s weapon of choice, although sometimes he used harsh and brutal honesty. The honesty actually hurt worse than the sarcasm. There was nothing soft about the turtle, not in any stretch of the imagination. Mikey sometimes joked that Raph was really a ‘snapping turtle’ but had stopped after Raph lost his temper after the millionth time it was repeated and ended up beating his younger brother with pieces from one of Donnie’s broken staffs.

Usually Raphael tended to use sarcasm with Mikey, tearing the youngest down for his stupidity and carelessness. He also tended to favor sarcasm with Donnie, impatient when the genius got too excited with something science or tech. related. For Leonardo, however, Raph had always saved that crippling, soul-destroying honesty, flinging every grievance, every mistake Leo had ever made in his life back in his face.

When they had all been younger – before they had undergone the train wreck of puberty, back before Raph got too mean – Leo and Raph had gotten along the best of the brothers. They’d been best buddies doing everything together. Their competitions weren’t as vicious and their fights never as volatile. But then, one day, it seemed just like everything…changed.

 _They_ changed.

The first time Raphael had experimented with his new attack, Leo had locked himself in his room and cried – not that he’d _ever_ admit that, of course! And after that incident it had become a challenge, a _necessity_ for Leonardo to harden himself against his brother’s burning assaults. Leo became cold where his brother was hot, and closed himself off from the red banded turtle as well as his other brothers.

The infamous fights between the two eldest Hamato brothers was swiftly becoming legendary outside of the sewers, and they were known for their brutality towards each other. Leonardo was just as guilty on occasion as Raphael in instigating such malicious confrontations. Their rivalry necessitated that they challenge each other for dominance over just about everything.

But when Leo became the leader – the ultimate victory in their rivalry – the blue banded brother realized that he could no longer afford to keep such a relationship with his brother. Not only did he truly realize just how unhealthy and hurtful it was to them as brothers, such bitterness between them was a disadvantage when out on patrol. Raph challenged every decision Leo made, undermined his authority whenever possible, usually dragging Mikey and Donnie into the fight or leading them in rebellion.

That had to stop.

As he trained and meditated Leo understood that he was going to have to cultivate a better relationship with Raphael. He could no longer allow pettiness between them to ruin their lives. Despite how much it made him sick sometimes, he was going to have to try and stay calm in the face of the fire blasts, and really _listen_ to his brother and his arguments. Because Raph really did have some good points. In fact, the longer Leo was leader, the more he started to rely upon his immediate younger brother’s disagreements. They forced him to reevaluate himself, rethink his plan to make sure that he hadn’t missed anything. Make sure he wasn’t just being foolish.

And over time, the bickering lessened. It didn’t stop, but the cruelty behind the words, the acrimony decreased. While Raph’s tongue could still be wicked, could still shred Leo into a million pieces, it was getting better. Every day it seemed to be getting better.

After Leo had woken from his coma, however, things between he and the hotheaded had changed. Drastically. At first Leo had believed it was because Raph was merely worried for him and his healing, but even after they returned to New York, the older turtle realized that he and his younger brother no longer fought like they used to. Sure, Raph was still an asshole to him at times, was still rude and sarcastic, but he no longer flung Leo’s mistakes and failures in his face every few seconds. In fact, it was becoming rare for him to use such tactics at all.

Now whenever Raph didn’t like something, he actually – _usually_ – used his words instead of his fists. He actually – _usually_ – kept his voice at a reasonable decibel. Sure, there were times when he exploded, but Leo would have been worried had his brother changed so completely with no hiccups along the way. He just wouldn’t be Raphael if he didn’t occasionally shout and chase Mikey around the lair with homicidal intent.

After restoring the lair back to its normal, homey self, Leo sat up one night watching an episode of _Space Heroes_. There were other more important things he should probably be doing, more things he should be overseeing, but he was tired, and honestly just wanted the comfort of something familiar. His books were all still there, anyway. He’d study tomorrow.

“What ya still doin’ up?”

Turning the leader caught sight of a mask-less Raphael shuffling into the pit. Glancing at the clock, Leo realized it was almost two in the morning. “Couldn’t sleep,” he shrugged. “Did I wake you?”

“Just gettin’ water,” the younger turtle muttered, scowling at the bright screen. “Ya still like this shit?”

Leo couldn’t help the nostalgic smile that came to his lips as he glanced back at the screen. “Yeah.”

It came as a surprise when Raph plopped down beside his brother, glaring at the screen as it flashed bright colors in their faces. “Still takin’ leader lesson from Captain Riley?”

The older turtle’s expression flattened. “It’s Captain Ryan, and you know it. And no. I’m not.”

Green eyes slid over to look at him, but Leo tried not to squirm under the intensity of the gaze. “Realize Captain Ryan’s not so great after all, huh?”

The question hurt, but the words were true. The fact was, now as he re-watched these old episodes, after everything he’d been through, Leo was realizing what a terrible leader Captain Ryan actually was. In the past he’d believed the fictional hero perfect, that he could do no wrong and was right about everything. Now as he watched his beloved hero scarified an entire squad of purple-shirts, the turtle was forced to open his eyes and reconsider.

Sighing, Leo’s head hung down to his chest as he recalled all of his early missions with his brothers. What a fool he’d been. Out there jumping around like an idiot, pretending he was some hero that could save the galaxy. All of those mistakes he’d made, all because he’d tried to emulate Captain Ryan.

“Yeah,” he admitted softly, his heart heavy as he betrayed his childhood to the one person who had always mocked him for his love of the show.

Raph was right and Leo wasn’t about to lie to his brother. Not anymore. Because like always, Raph had sniffed out the truth. The older brother waited tensely for the brutal onslaught of mockery and rancorous laughter that was sure to follow. Because of all his brothers, Raph had always hated Leo’s obsession with _Space Heroes_ and his love of Captain Ryan the most.

But the scorn never came.

In fact, _nothing_ came.

Surprised by the silence only filled with the sound effects of the cartoon, Leo glanced over at his brother to find Raph just staring at the screen. There wasn’t a smile on his face, no mean-spirited smirk like there might have been even several months ago. Instead the younger turtle was just sitting there watching the episode.

After a tense moment between them, at last Raph nodded. “Well…good. Ya better than Captain Dipshit anyway.”

The last part was spoken so quietly Leonardo almost missed it. Whipping his head around to his brother in astonishment, the leader was about to say something – what, he didn’t really know – when the hothead abruptly rose to his feet. “You should get to bed, Leo. G’night.”

And just like that Raph fled back to his room. Apparently he wasn’t thirsty anymore. And while he watched his brother’s retreating shell, Leo couldn’t help but marvel over how far they’d come. Once rivals, then Raph stubbornly holding on to the past even as Leo had tried his damnedest to keep his cool and play nice, to now suddenly this weird…closeness.

Maybe Master Splinter had been right. Maybe kindness really could wear someone down. Maybe there was hope for him and Raphael actually fully healing and mending their once close friendship?

Smiling softly, Leo turned off the T.V. and decided to take his brother’s advice. Bed was sounding more appealing than _Space Heroes_ at the moment. As he passed his brother’s door, the leader whispered a quiet, “Goodnight, Raph,” before entering his own room. The moment he was settled and his head hit the pillows, for once he fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: The 'purple shirt' reference here is my attempt at the old 'red shirt' joke in the original series of Star Trek, which is my all time fav...Probably why I like Leo so much. XD


	15. Care More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if it hurts, you have to care more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo reflects on Karai.

_~You have to care more about others than they care about you~_

From the moment he first laid eyes upon Karai, Leonardo had liked her. And while, yes, he could admit that the fact that she was absolutely beautiful played into that liking quite a bit, it had really gone beyond looks. Instinctually there had always been something about Karai.

Their relationship had always been rocky, no one could deny that. How could it not be? Leonardo being the son of the Shredder’s most hated enemy, Hamato Yoshi, while Karai had believed herself to be the daughter of the Shredder himself. They had always danced around one another, the _kunoichi_ always playing mind games that often left Leonardo staying up all night to try and figure out what she meant. And despite seeing all the terrible things she did, being victim to her plots, even hearing her admit to just how little she cared about him and his family and other innocent people, Leonardo had been able to see something… _good_ in her.

Of course that feeling had made much more sense when they’d learned that Karai was actually Miwa, Splinter’s daughter. Despite getting punished and scolded for his interest and interaction with Karai from his father and brothers before the great revelation, suddenly Leo was proven correct, or at least less wrong. Because now the others were starting to look for and see the good in Karai. Suddenly she was not the daughter of the enemy, but a daughter and sister to _them_.

And this revelation had all started with Leo taking an interest in the _kunoichi_.

With Leo wanting to give her a chance.

It hurt, though, dwelling on their relationship. Even when Karai had come to understand the truth, that she was actually Hamato Miwa, things hadn’t been easy. Each time it had appeared as though they had made some sort of progress, taken a step forward, they stumbled ten paces back. When Karai had been mutated, transformed into a near mindless serpent, it had hurt. Hurt so badly that Leonardo blamed himself.

He hadn’t saved her.

His brothers often told him to forget about her, to move on, but how could he? This wasn’t strictly about having a crush anymore. Karai was more than that. She was Splinter’s daughter. His _real_ daughter. Their sister. How could he forget about family?

It became harder to forget about her when the Shredder brainwashed her, using her to hurt her own family. And…it _did_ hurt. Not just physically when she poisoned them all, taking great delight in watching them suffer, but it hurt emotionally.

It hurt so bad to reach out to her, to try and get her to understand, to _remember_ , giving her his all, only to have all of his efforts shoved back in his face. She didn’t remember. She didn’t _care_. And that thought hurt worst of all.

But that didn’t deter Leo. No, if anything it made him want to try harder. Because if he could just break down that wall, find something he could use to get to her like he’d gotten with Raph, he was sure he could break the control. He just _had_ to.

For family.

For Karai.


	16. Move Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you don't like where you are, keep moving forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While the world may be gone, Leo has hope for the future.

_~You have to keep moving towards where you want to be no matter what’s in front of you~_

While everyone knew that the life they lived was an extremely dangerous and unstable existence, not even Leonardo could have predicted just how dramatic or devastating their lives could become in an instant. One minute they had saved the world from the Kraang, the next… _this_.

Standing on the deck of the space ship that Dr. Honeycutt – the Fugitoid – had picked them up on, Leo couldn’t stop the events of the past twenty-four hours from replaying in his mind. It was like watching a horror movie on loop. One minute they were in the heat of battle, the odds looking grim, but then they’d come out of worse before…or so he’d thought. The next, not only were they losing, the Triceratons completing the steps to operate the Black Hole Generator, but then the Shredder had _killed_ their sensei.

Their _father_.

And to add salt to the wound, the Black Hole Generator had been activated and the turtles and their friends were forced to watch as their entire _planet_ had been destroyed. Everything they’d ever known was gone. Everyone was gone. Splinter. Karai. New York. The _world_.

Everything was gone.

And it was all his fault.

Because he hadn’t been able to come up with a decent plan, because he hadn’t been able to stop the Triceratons, because he hadn’t been able to stop that stupid beacon from being activated in the beginning, because he hadn’t been watching the Shredder, everything was just…gone. Like it had never existed at all.

Not only had he failed his family and friends, he’d failed the _world_.

But there was still a chance to redeem himself, to save everyone. The Fugitoid had taken them back in time so that they could be the ones to find and collect the pieces of the Black Hole Generator and _destroy_ it. Leo could right the worst mistakes he had ever made, and they only had one shot at this. One shot to see that humanity – their father – survived.

 _Stay positive, Leo. You can do this,_ the turtle thought as he continued to stare out into the stars.

While emotionally crippled, devastated, the leader tried to think of the good that came out of everything that just happened. At _this_ point in time Master Splinter was still alive, the world still okay. Despite having lost and allowed something so terrible to happen, they had a chance to fix it! They could _do_ this! They’d done more impossible things, right? Not everything had been lost, either. Leo still had his brothers and his friends. With their help, he was certain they could do this. He just needed to calm himself down and _focus_.

Plus he was in _space_!! Standing on the deck, staring out at the stars that streaked by reminded the young turtle of _Space Heroes_ , and he felt a lot like Captain Ryan standing out on deck, waiting to give orders that would save the day. And even though he was hurting and probably shouldn’t feel this way, somewhere in his head, his inner fanboy was squealing in sheer delight. Despite everything, this was actually pretty awesome!

Smiling to himself as he thought of their most recent adventure – _in space!_ – the leader turned away from the view screen and decided to go get some sleep. While so much had been lost, while their world had literally been destroyed, Leo refused to allow himself to slip back down that dark road of depression. He’d learned his lesson at the farm house and he’d learned it well. If they were going to save the world they needed to stay optimistic, needed to look towards the future. Wallowing in self-pity didn’t accomplish a thing.

Glancing back out at the stars, Leonardo decided that the only way to make things right was to keep moving forward. He was determined to lead everyone to a better place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Almost done! The last chapter will be up tomorrow, so I hope you've enjoyed the ride!


	17. Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After several years, Leo has finally made peace with his role in the clan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leo shares a little wisdom he's gained with his friends.

_~You have to try and fail and try again~_

Sitting in the pit, lounging lazily with his brothers and friends, Leo was content to eat his pizza and watch the crappy movie Mikey had picked out. It had been a long night, but not terribly difficult. With the Kraang long gone, the Earth saved after stopping the Triceratons, and finally the Shredder having been defeated, the only real threats the turtles faced were those simple horrors New York could breed herself. And thus far, usually only the Purple Dragons and other such gangs gave them any sort of problem. But after years of fighting, after honing their skills and becoming deadly masters, ‘problem’ became a relative term. The fights weren’t hard, but at least they kept them busy.

Stretching out, propping his feet up on the beanbag chair in front of him, wondering if he could get away with stealing April’s last piece of pizza without anyone noticing, he was surprised when Casey turned towards him just as the movie ended, eyeing the leader critically. A bit unnerved by the sudden close inspection, Leo raised an eye ridge, leaning back away from the human. “What?”

“How do you do it?”

The question seemed completely out of nowhere with no basis that Leo could see, and he ended up staring blankly at the human, while Mikey snickered at the awkwardness. “Do what?”

Casey rolled his eyes, unimpressed. “Be leader, dude! I mean, that guy in the movie was so terrible, I doubt he could lead his way outta a paper bag.” Leo blinked, noting that the others were staring at him now as well. “You always make it look so _easy_.”

Although he had long ago come to grips with himself and his leadership, had made peace with the events that had thus far taken place in his life, thinking back on all of his struggles, on all the hardships he’d undergone to get to this point in life – to the point where it looked ‘ _easy’_ – the blue banded turtle’s expression darkened. While he didn’t want to be dramatic, he didn’t like the implications of what his friend was saying. Because being leader was _not_ easy. It was not some cakewalk. The hero of the movie was, from Leo’s perspective, pretty realistic. The character struggling with the burden and mantle of a leadership he didn’t want placed upon his shoulders. In so many ways, Leo’s heart had actually gone out to the character, sympathizing with all of his wrong moves and the mental anguish.

Being a good leader wasn’t necessarily just something someone was ‘born with.’ It took a lot of work, a lot of effort, a lot of training. It took sleepless nights, nightmares, doubt, fear, blood, sweat, and tears. Being a leader wasn’t _easy_ and it certainly wasn’t fun. It didn’t bring the sort of joy people probably thought it would bring. There honestly was little joy in it. It only brought satisfaction, satisfaction when you did well and the ones under your charge thrived, but also left you in near crippling despair when things blew up in your face. It left you bitter and aching, sometimes tormented and alone, even as it brought comfort knowing you’d done well in success.

While perhaps innocent, the previous statement felt more personal than it probably should have. “Being leader is _not_ easy, Casey.” His voice was hard steel, as he narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah, but you always make it look like it is,” the human pressed, glancing at April, as though asking if he should continue or not.

Speaking up in an attempt to keep the peace, no doubt, April smiled a bit at the oldest turtle. “What he means is, you always have a plan, are always so prepared. How do you do it, Leo?”

The others were listening closely, even Raph, who pretended to watch the credits with an indifferent expression as he sat beside his older brother, arm resting around the back of the couch. There was lot he could say in answer to that. A lot he could explain. An entire lecture could be given, outlining the road he had taken to get to this point in his life, where leadership had become so much a part of himself, second nature, that the success rate of their missions was nearing the ninetieth percentile. He could take hours, _days_ in sharing his experiences. Hell, he could even write an eight hundred or more page book on the subject! He could even get Donnie to edit it.

But giving a wry smile to his friends and brothers, Leonardo only shrugged a shoulder, amused at their expectant gazes as he casually leaned forward and stole the last slice of pizza in plain sight, knowing they hadn’t really noticed as they were more focused on his answer. “Just a lot of trying and failing…And trying again.”

_~*~_

And while no one saw it, in the back of the lair, Master Splinter smiled proudly, deciding not for the first time that, yes, he had indeed been correct in choosing Leonardo as leader of his brothers. He need not fear after he was gone one day, as he was certain his eldest would also make a fine Clan Master as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand done! Thanks everyone for reading! I've had fun playing around with Leo's head. :)  
> ~Cheers!


End file.
